Lostkitty

This past week has been a strange one for me.... I dont quite know how to describe it. I do not know if I have the words.

I would really hate to describe it as my body giving into accumulated depression or something as pitiful as that - or so it seems to me.

I have not been well - with lots of dizziness and light-headedness not to mention nausea. Yet are these actual symptoms or symptoms of something else? something in my head maybe -i dont know...

I really feel like I want to take time off work for a few months and just do nothing - just think, do nothing, just.... be. I want to take time to just be with myself and explore myself and think about what I want to be and who I am.

I just dont know how to do that. How do I discover who I am and learn myself?? Is such exploration even possible??

These are just some of the long winded ramblings of my confused brain....

I dont even know what to say or even if I want to say anything.

My dad told me it was unhealthy how I was acting - but I really couldnt think. I felt, still feel, kinda blanked out and in some kind of stasis. Thought seems hard and planning anything at all seems out of reach. My mind wanders but I could not explain where or over what.

I do not even know what I am thinking. I spent the last week alone at home, not talking to anyone and not doing anything. I spent it lying in bed watching anime I had seen before and zoning out. I even spent time just lying there, doing nothing at all - just staring. I didnt have a thought in my head and even when I tried to think, to come up with something to think of, it just seems liked too much. Too much effort maybe.

I dont know what is. Maybe it is unhealthy. However I dont know how to "snap out of it" as dad says because I do not know how I snapped into it!

Why do I become like this?

I hate to think I am the kind of person who overly dwells in self-pity or self-loathing of any kind and I have always thought that most depressed people are just self-indulgent. Although I am fully aware this is a gross generalisation and true depression does exist. I just think that for me to be depressed is for me to be weak, a weak person and a weak Muslim. Despair is not an Islamic emotion and is definately not healthy.

It made me think of the reasons I could be depressed and when I started counting it off I realised it was many. but then again I felt I was indulging myself in pity and I should just get on with life. Mayb thats the problem - I just get on with life and never actually deal with the root of the problem. Maybe I should do something about that but what?

Like I said when I actually started thinking of the reasons I could have for depression I realised there were quite a few -about 12 or so major ones. I talked it over with a friend I trust - just to make sure I wasnt making a mountain out of a molehill. I wanted to talk to her because I knew she'd tell me I was talking horseshit if I really was - she has before! When listed my reasons make my life sound pretty tired and hard - "a hard life by anyones account" is how she put it.

Is it really? I compare my hardships to those of the people of Gaza or others who have suffered and my years of suffering become so trivial.

BUt they have taken their toll - they must have. I do not honestly think that someone can have been through what I have and have it not taking a toll. Something about me, who I integraly am must have been affected.

I find myself thinking what would be different if such and such an event had never taken place - how different would I be? Wat part of me is the consequence of what event??

I do not even know I am making sense but since this is my blog I am believe I hav the right to ramble in it!

A part of when it hears me talk or think about this stuff just wants to tell me to shut up and put up but another part wants me to somehow, God only knows how, to do something and deal with it somehow.

I just want to know what's wrong with me.