half minds

I was undecided on whether or not to blog today - the fact that I am shows I need a release to vent my feelings.

I dont feel particularly bad or particularly good - I just.... am.

I have so many thoughts running through my head that I feel lost. Completely lost.
Some thoughts feel so complex that I am scared to voice them - to say them out loud would make them real - make them so that I have to deal with them. I'd rather not.

Some of these issues, one in particular, is something I have avoided dealing with in any direct way since I was a child. It is rarely voiced and the memories I try to keep locked away. Yet they affect many of the decisions I make today. I think thats sad - these events from childhood should not have such power, such potency as to affect me now, 20 years later. Yet there it is. Sometimes the memories of my childhood cloud my mind and at other times they are like background noise - there, yet unheard.
Must do something about that. Or so I am told. Especially since I am discovering I am as affected now as I was then... yet avoidance is such a good tactic. The one time these issues were discussed in the family either I wasnt believed in or the events were used to further peoples own issues and idiotic manipulations.
Fuck that.

As for my dad - I guess like any child I just wish he would understand that I am my own person and deal with me as such. Instead he treats me often as an untrustworthy, stubborn, annoying child.

He has told me, in blunt words that I am a complete disappointment to him, that nothing I have done has pleased him and I am a complete failure in his eyes. And that if he could he would leave me (and my sis) and run away, as far away as possible, from us. I am quoting him practically word for word.

The worst thing is - though he has never been quite this blunt - this is pretty much wat he says to me, by word and action, all the time. Just once I'd like to not feel inadequate and pathetic when I am sat next to him watching TV or just being. I would like, sometime, to feel loved, appreciated and accepted. Instead I feel like I am a burden to him, an unwanted child. Someone who is loathed and possibly pitied.

I feel unloved.

Dramatic as that sounds, these are my feelings. I feel hurt, of course. Bewildered. And angry too.
I do not know what I have done that is so very wrong.

I feel like apologising to him for all the things he says are wrong with me - a "sorry dad I'm not the daughter you want; that I not what you want. I am sorry I am not skinny, and beautiful, prettier, fitter and really clever, successful, harder working, more intelligent, less lazy, less of a failure....".

grounded

ok its official - I've been grounded for far too long. Normally I go abroad on holiday every year and this year I havn't, on top of which, I can't see myself managing to save enough money to actually go either. It sucks!
I love Britain, tis home - but I NEED to get away; quite desperately. Need to go to another country, explore a new culture, a new place.... ugh.

But on the plus side, I have now moved into a nice new flat with my dad (weirdness!) that is 30 secs from my workplace - how cool is that?! The flat is nice and well, nice. lol - not much more to it really.
I have learnt a lot in the last few years of living - foremost of which is, you can live and put up with almost anything when u put ur mind to it. And this flat -well, no trouble at all! :-)

Now living with my dad - interesting... Havn't done in this in, oh, 4 or 5 years! I have not lived with someone telling me what to do or when to do it in years and its weird living with someone who can do that now. Even tho he has been pretty chilled out about it so far. He has imposed a 10pm curfew! 10pm - thats well early!! Still, could be worse!

Sometimes the journey to this flat has been beyond depressing and I dont think my dad realises what he put me through "to teach me how tough the world is". He has no idea to the depths my mind sunk to, nor how depressed I became - to him, alls well that ends well. yes I guess i am bitter - do I have the right to be? I think so. When he could have been there as a helping and supporting hand, he decided to teach me a lesson of life, of toughness, of independence, by making it all so much harder. Well... guess I'v learnt a few lessons.

Lesson No 1: Never ever trust the man in your life - he will always let you down, if not beat u over the head with a stick of your trust and stab u in the back, leaving u to bleed out and die. All the while he thinks he is doing u a favour and making u "better".
Lesson No2: Never trust a man in your family.
Lesson No 3: Be careful how you chose ur friends - I was lucky, Alhamdulillah, to have some of the best friends Allah could have blessed me with.
Lesson No 4: Allah never gives u a burden you cannot bear. He never said it'd be easy.
Lesson No 5: After hardship comes ease - thats the promise. Thats the truth!

so...

Another good thing is that it is somewhere I can have my friends over and not worry and just chill out. Kirsten has been over a few times already and it is just so very nice having her popping in after work; the two of us just chilling.

This is what I like. Now lets hope I can sort out my finances. Then I'll be all set to conquer... my life.