half minds

I was undecided on whether or not to blog today - the fact that I am shows I need a release to vent my feelings.

I dont feel particularly bad or particularly good - I just.... am.

I have so many thoughts running through my head that I feel lost. Completely lost.
Some thoughts feel so complex that I am scared to voice them - to say them out loud would make them real - make them so that I have to deal with them. I'd rather not.

Some of these issues, one in particular, is something I have avoided dealing with in any direct way since I was a child. It is rarely voiced and the memories I try to keep locked away. Yet they affect many of the decisions I make today. I think thats sad - these events from childhood should not have such power, such potency as to affect me now, 20 years later. Yet there it is. Sometimes the memories of my childhood cloud my mind and at other times they are like background noise - there, yet unheard.
Must do something about that. Or so I am told. Especially since I am discovering I am as affected now as I was then... yet avoidance is such a good tactic. The one time these issues were discussed in the family either I wasnt believed in or the events were used to further peoples own issues and idiotic manipulations.
Fuck that.

As for my dad - I guess like any child I just wish he would understand that I am my own person and deal with me as such. Instead he treats me often as an untrustworthy, stubborn, annoying child.

He has told me, in blunt words that I am a complete disappointment to him, that nothing I have done has pleased him and I am a complete failure in his eyes. And that if he could he would leave me (and my sis) and run away, as far away as possible, from us. I am quoting him practically word for word.

The worst thing is - though he has never been quite this blunt - this is pretty much wat he says to me, by word and action, all the time. Just once I'd like to not feel inadequate and pathetic when I am sat next to him watching TV or just being. I would like, sometime, to feel loved, appreciated and accepted. Instead I feel like I am a burden to him, an unwanted child. Someone who is loathed and possibly pitied.

I feel unloved.

Dramatic as that sounds, these are my feelings. I feel hurt, of course. Bewildered. And angry too.
I do not know what I have done that is so very wrong.

I feel like apologising to him for all the things he says are wrong with me - a "sorry dad I'm not the daughter you want; that I not what you want. I am sorry I am not skinny, and beautiful, prettier, fitter and really clever, successful, harder working, more intelligent, less lazy, less of a failure....".