In Her Shoes

This movie resonates with me because its just me and my sister - no mother for a long time now. There are so many similarities - and while my sister may not have slept with a boyfriend of mine, we too have a had a major argument in the recent past that has defined our relationship; I fear for the rest of our lives.

Like the older sister, I find myself unable to hold onto my anger & hurt in a way I would 'like' to - it feels like I am letting myself become vulnerable to her again. Our relationship has always been close in the past and it is hard to resist it - yet at the same time, its bittersweet. I find trust an issue.

E E Cummings poem that was quoted in the movie is appropriate:

I carry your heart with me (I carry it in
my heart) I am never without it (anywhere
I go you go, my dear; and whatever is done
by only me is your doing, my darling)
I fear
no fate (for you are my fate, my sweet ) I want
no world (for beautiful you are my world, my true)
and it’s you are whatever a moon has always meant
and whatever a sun will always sing is you

here is the deepest secret nobody knows
(here is the root of the root and the bud of the bud
and the sky of the sky of a tree called life; which grows
higher than soul can hope or mind can hide)
and this is the wonder that’s keeping the stars apart

I carry your heart (I carry it in my heart)

It is true - I carry her wherever I go -whether I want to or not. She is a part of me.

And yet, I can't let the hurt go enough to move on completely. Nothing is resolved. It feels fractured and broken - like all my relationships.

Something must be very wrong with me.