3 down...

Had all 3 chemistry exams today - very exhausting and very very hard!!

I just pray I passed them all - would absolutely hate doing resits - not to mention i'm not sure where i'd get the time for them next term!!

studying

Ohhh.... 2 days left till exams begin and the panic is well and truly set in. I just pray I pass everything, Isha'allah - that would mean that the 10-12 hours straight of revision everyday have not gone to waste. For help with that:

DUA BEFORE STUDYING

Allahumma infa'nii bimaa          O Allah! Make useful for me what You
'allamtanii wa'allimnii           taught me and teach me knowledge
maa yanfa' unii.                  that will be useful to me.

Allahumma inii as'aluka           O Allah! I ask You for the understanding
fahmal-nabiyyen wa hifthal        of the prophets and the memory of the
mursaleen al-muqarrabeen.         messengers, and those nearest to You.

Allahumma ijal leesanee           O Allah! Make my tongue full of
'amiran bi thikrika wa            Your remembrance, and my heart with
qalbi bi khashyatika.             consciousness of You.

Innaka 'ala ma-tasha'-u           (O Allah!) You do whatever You wish,
qadeer wa anta hasbun-allahu      and You are my Availer and
wa na'mal wakeel.                 Protector and the best of aid.

DUA AFTER STUDYING

Allahhumma inni astaodeeuka       O Allah! I entrust You with what I
ma qara'tu wama hafaz-tu.         have read and I have studied.
Faradduhu 'allaya inda            (O Allah!) Bring it back to me when
hagati elayhi.                    I am in need of it.
Innaka 'ala ma-tasha'-u           (O Allah!) You do whatever You wish,
qadeer wa anta hasbeeya           and You are my Availer and
wa na'mal wakeel.                 Protector and the best of aid.

DUA WHILE STUDYING SOMETHING DIFFICULT

Allahumma la sahla illama         O Allah! Nothing is easy except what
ja-'altahu sahla wa anta taj      You have made easy. If You wish, You
'alu al hazana etha shi'ta        can make the difficult easy.
sahla

DUA FOR ANXIETY

Allahumma inni a'oodhoo bika       O Allah! I seek refuge in You from anxiety
minal-hammi walhuzni, wal-'ajzi    and sorrow, weakness and laziness,
wal-kasali wal-bukhli wal-jubni,   miserliness and cowardice, the burden of
wa dal'id-dayni wa ghalabatir-     debts and from being oppressed by men.
rajaal 

DUA FOR DISTRESS

Allahumma rahmataka arjoo falaa    O Allah! It is Your mercy that I hope for
takilnee ilaa nafsee tarfata       so do not leave me in charge of my affairs
'aynin wa aslih-lee sha'nee        even for a blink of an eye and rectify
kullahu, laa ilaha illa anta       for me all of my affairs. None has the
                                 right to be worshipped except You.

A friend in need...

... is a friend indeed.

I think we normally dont question our friendships or our friends - but what is a friend?How can friendship be defined?

For me a friend is someone you can feel comfortable, someone with whom there doesnt need to be a pretense, someone who you can have loud, insane fun with but can also sit quietly and enjoy the solitute. Sometimes different friends will occupy different needs and roles.

But the one thing that absolutely makes a friend in someone who is there for you when you need it - no matter what the need is; a cup of sugar, a shoulder to cry on, a lift, help of any kind... if they can provide it they do. No buts, no excuses.

A friend is never too busy in your time of need.

'A Muslim should love for his brother what he loves for himself' - thats the Islam I was brought up with. You do unto others as you would like done unto you - anything less is unsatisfactory, a copout.

High standards indeed. Maybe too high.

I have become increasingly cynical, jaded and bitter as my life has progressed - not people people can understand my concepts of trust and loyalty. They seem too alien, too rigid, too deep for this world, this society we occupy.

I am wary of the constant disappointments of people - trusting someone, a friend, is a big thing. the lesson life keeps teaching me is never to actually have high expecatations of anyone - no one is to be trusted.
Even those to be trusted can only be trusted to a certain degree.

Loyalty is not guaranteed. Even by family. Trust no one.

On one level this seems straighforward enough - its the lessons life has continuously taught me - I may finally be learning this lesson.

On the other hand, its so contrary to my actual personality. I am a natural optimist, fun-loving idealist - this is not me.

Except, now it kinda is.

Maybe its the enforced isolation of this course - trapped in a room studying constantly, no socialising - not even regular fone conversations.

Sometimes it doesnt feel like anyone is out there. Slowly, it seems to matter less and less....

another poem of the heart

The Night is Darkening Around Me by Emily Bronte

The night is darkening round me,
The wild winds coldly blow ;
But a tyrant spell has bound me,
And I cannot, cannot go.

The giant trees are bending
Their bare boughs weighed with snow ;
The storm is fast descending,
And yet I cannot go.

Clouds beyond clouds above me,
Wastes beyond wastes below ;
But nothing drear can move me :
I will not, cannot go.

Your children are not your children.
They are the sons and daughters of Life's longing for itself.
They come through you but not from you,
and though they are with you, yet they belong not to you.
You may give them your love, but not your thoughts.
For they have their own thoughts.
You may house their bodies but not their souls,
for their souls dwell in the house of tomorrow,
which you cannot visit, not even in your dreams.
You may strive to be like them, but seek not to make them like you.
For life goes not backward, nor tarries with yesterday.

--Kahlil Gibran

Insomnia

Its just another night where I am unable to sleep - why these nights are like this and whether there is a pattern to them I dont know. What I do know is, sometimes insomnia is useful and sometimes it is blatantly NOT. Like now. Tomorrow I have an important test at uni and at what am i doing at 1.45am? writing my blog while I should be asleep. How to get to sleep, now that is the problem!
One of the worst things about insomnia is what to do to fill the time...normally I'd read or watch a movie.... usually after some time spent trying to convince my mind to switch off and sleep. I tried especially hard tonight cos of that test tomorrow but I dont seem to be having too much luck.

So I watched a movie - New Moon. Now I am not a fan of these movies; I think they are generally badly made, with mediocre acting and really really cheesy scripting. Nor do they make any sense unless you have read the book. Anyway, due to all the fuss I thought an insomniac night would be a good time to have a look - if it was crap, at least it might send me to sleep.

Surprisingly I kinda enjoyed it - though admittedly not because its a good movie or that the acting is any better. Its just..... some of the scenery is rather fine. If you know what I mean :-D

So now I am sleepy, not properly prepared for this paper tomorrow and wondering why I cant be slim and fit..... and wondering why I cant have one of those!! lol

I am also getting stressed. Exams are only a week or so away and I have only managed to fit in minimal revision so far. I work and I work and the time just seems to get away from me. Where does it all go???

I just pray I do well in the course and pass all my exams, tests, everything with flying colours!

dad

I came home from Stoke yesterday and was sooooooooooo tired!! teaching is hard work - mentally exhausting but so so satisfying!! Alhamdulillah :-)

Had a kind of heart to heart with Dad last night - just randomly talking and throwing out ideas and comments.... it was really good. Can't think if and when we've ever really done that before - I actually felt like we connected which I dont think we have ever done in this way before.

A beautiful moment in my life.

Dunya

So think on this:

When you sit with people of the dunya, you become a drop in their ocean, but when you sit with people of the akhira, the dunya becomes a drop in your ocean.

a friend in need...

is a friend indeed.

May Allah reward them!

A friend who is there for you through the bad times, no matter how numerous, is a friend for the ages! And a friend who shares ur love of coffee and a good chat.... even if it is over the fone, is invaluable!

To all the memories and good times - thank you. :-)

help me

Ever had moments where it feels like the whole world has gone mad?

Madness seeps in.

It takes over.

Colours the moments in the colours of rage, anger and bewilderment.

The heart beats fast.

I can feel the blood rushing through my veins.

The heat.

The cold.

The shock.

I feel the flesh hitting my flesh.

I feel that very pain in my heart.

And I know, in this moment, something has broken. It can never be repaired or reclaimed.

It is gone.

My heart breaks all over again.

I sit in the quiet that is loud, the drums sounding in my ear. The blood rushes, gushes, moves.

I sit.

I wait for understanding.

It doesnt come.

Tears leak, they rage, they scream - nothing changes.

I bleed. I rage. I scream. Nothing changes.

I dont want to be here. I dont want to be anywhere. I want to leave this place. This world. I want to begone.

I hate myself.

I finally realise you hate me too.

a poet's thought

“Had I the heavens' embroidered cloths, Enwrought with golden and silver light, The blue and the dim and the dark cloths Of night and light and the half-light, I would spread the cloths under your feet: But I, being poor, have only my dreams; I have spread my dreams under your feet; Tread softly because you tread on my dreams.” (Yeats)

This piece of beautiful writing never fails to capture me and bring a tear to my eye. How he captures and encapsulates that feeling, that hope, in such simple words. Profound. The visual creativity of this poem is astounding and I think I will love it forever.

busy-ness

I have been so incredibly busy these past few weeks on my new course at uni - Chemistry..... its so much to take in and its not necessarily hard just too much to do in not enought time.

I am pretty much always feeling sleep deprived and tired.... which is why I gave myself the afternoon off today cos I ws feeling so ill. Insha'allah I do plan to fit some work in this evening; plus I'm not going home so that gives me the entire weekend too.

I just hope and pray I am successful and that I do well and that i get my PGCE next year - I do not want to have tortured myself with Chemistry for no reason!!

-

is lost but if I'm lucky - someone will find me.

what is achieveable throught the human spirit

While I was sat feeling all gloomy and stressed about my inability to grasp the basic chemistry being taught me at my new chemistry course at uni - my dad sent me this video and it totally made me cry. Its a true testiment to what is achieveable throught the human spirit - and for the love of God, if they can do that then I can do well on my flamin course!!! (Insha'allah!):

So anyway READ THIS and then watch the video below:

A son asked his father, 'Dad, will you take part in a marathon with me?'
The father who, despite having a heart condition, says 'Yes'.
They went on to complete the marathon together.
Father and son went on to join other marathons, the father always saying 'Yes' to his son's request of going through the race together.
One day, the son asked his father, 'Dad, let's join the Ironman together.'
To which, his father said 'Yes' too.

For those who don't know, Ironman is the toughest triathlon ever.
The race encompasses three endurance events of a 2.4 mile (3.86kilometer) ocean swim, followed by a 112 mile (180.2 kilometer) bike
ride, and ending with a 26.2 mile (42..195 kilometer) marathon along the coast of the Big Island, Hawaii.
Father and son went on to complete the race together. View this race at.....

A Student once more

This week I started university - again.

On Sunday Naima and I moved to an area in Stoke-on-Trent in preparation for starting K-University. Its a preparation course in Chemistry for our PGCE next year.

I was very excited for months - since I knew I had the place. It was gonna be a new opportunity, hope for a better future (Insha'allah) and would hopefully lead me to a career that I would love and enjoy and would challenge me constantly.

However as the date approached I grew more and more nervous - what if i didnt do well? what if I failed? What if I was terrible at Chemistry and everything else? What if I made some horrendous mistake? what if after all this - this was not for me??? Thousands of questiosn whizzed round my head but I had no answers for my own mind.

I got on the train and just hoped for the best.

I've been attending uni since Monday and its been pretty standard methinks - its introductory lectures, easing us into it all.... possibly the calm before the storm??? I shall find out!!

I just hope and pray I do well, even excell in the course and all my hopes and dreams come true about having a career I love and one where I make a useful and beneficial impact on the children I teach, the future.

The house in which I live is pretty standard, even slightly better than normal student digs but I am totally treating it like student digs - my concentration is going to be on studying not being at home or "cosy" in my room. As long as its warm and dry with internet, I'mm pretty happy :-)

Another experience of the week has been the weather - it has been unbelievably cold. I swear I have not been so cold in daytime EVER. Its painful being out and it literally takes a few hours for the hands and feet to defrost even though I'm wearing layers upon layers!

It snowed all day today and we live on a hill which is totally iced over - we have to walk to the bus stop and it feels like we are risking our lives for education everyday. We really are!!

Its an adventure!!!

Make your day a Shay day

I received this inspirational story in an email and wanted to share it with everyone:

Two Choices

What would you do?....you make the choice. Don't look for a punch line, there isn't one. Read it anyway. My question is: Would you have made the same choice?

At a fundraising dinner for a school that serves children with learning disabilities, the father of one of the students delivered a speech that would never be forgotten by all who attended. After extolling the school and its

dedicated staff, he offered a question:

'When not interfered with by outside influences, everything nature does, is done with perfection.

Yet my son, Shay, cannot learn things as other children do. He cannot understand things as other children do.

Where is the natural order of things in my son?'



The audience was stilled by the query.



The father continued. 'I believe that when a child like Shay, who was mentally and physically disabled comes into the world, an opportunity to realize true human nature presents itself, and it comes in the way other people treat that child.'

Then he told the following story:



Shay and I had walked past a park where some boys Shay knew were playing baseball. Shay asked, 'Do you think they'll let me play?' I knew that most of the boys would not want someone like Shay on their team, but as a father I also understood that if my son were allowed to play, it would give him a much-needed sense of belonging and some confidence to be accepted by others in spite of his handicaps.



I approached one of the boys on the field and asked (not expecting much) if Shay could play. The boy looked around for guidance and said, 'We're losing by six runs and the game is in the eighth inning. I guess he can be on our team and we'll try to put him in to bat in the ninth inning.'



Shay struggled over to the team's bench and, with a broad smile, put on a team shirt. I watched with a small tear in my eye and warmth in my heart. The boys saw my joy at my son being accepted.

In the bottom of the eighth inning, Shay's team scored a few runs but was still behind by three.

In the top of the ninth inning, Shay put on a glove and played in the right field. Even though no hits came his way, he was obviously ecstatic just to be in the game and on the field, grinning from ear to ear as I waved to him from the stands.

In the bottom of the ninth inning, Shay's team scored again.

Now, with two outs and the bases loaded, the potential winning run was on base and Shay was scheduled to be next at bat.



At this juncture, do they let Shay bat and give away their chance to win the game?

Surprisingly, Shay was given the bat. Everyone knew that a hit was all but impossible because Shay didn't even know how to hold the bat properly, much less connect with the ball.

However, as Shay stepped up to the

plate, the pitcher, recognizing that the other team was putting winning aside for this moment in Shay's life, moved in a few steps to lob the ball in softly so Shay could at least make contact.

The first pitch came and Shay swung clumsily and missed.

The pitcher again took a few steps forward to toss the ball softly towards Shay.

As the pitch came in, Shay swung at the ball and hit a slow ground ball right back to the pitcher.



The game would now be over.

The pitcher picked up the soft grounder and could have easily thrown the ball to the first baseman.

Shay would have been out and that would have been the end of the game.



Instead, the pitcher threw the ball right over the first baseman's head, out of reach of all team mates.

Everyone from the stands and both teams started yelling, 'Shay, run to first!

Run to first!'

Never in his life had Shay ever run that far, but he made it to first base.

He scampered down the baseline, wide-eyed and startled.



Everyone yelled, 'Run to second, run to second!'

Catching his breath, Shay awkwardly ran towards second, gleaming and struggling to make it to the base.

B y the time Shay rounded towards second base, the right fielder had the ball . the smallest guy on their team who now had his first chance to be the hero for his team.

He could have thrown the ball to the second-baseman for the tag, but he understood the pitcher's intentions so he, too, intentionally threw the ball high and far over the third-baseman's head.

Shay ran toward third base deliriously as the runners ahead of him circled the bases toward home.



All were screaming, 'Shay, Shay, Shay, all the Way Shay'



Shay reached third base because the opposing shortstop ran to help him by turning him in the direction of third base, and shouted, 'Run to third!

Shay, run to third!'



As Shay rounded third, the boys from both teams, and the spectators, were on their feet screaming, 'Shay, run home! Run home!'

Shay ran to home, stepped on the plate, and was cheered as the hero who hit the grand slam and won the game for his team



'That day', said the father softly with tears now rolling down his face, 'the boys from both teams helped bring a piece of true love and humanity into this world'.



Shay didn't make it to another summer. He died that winter, having never forgotten being the hero and making me so happy, and coming home and seeing his Mother tearfully embrace her little hero of the day!

new years eve 2009

Its New Years Eve and friends are supposed to be coming over - dinner is in the oven, the house is warm and relatively crap movies are on the TV.

Except the friends are not here yet - and I'm not thinking about it as I'll get very annoyed at either their lack of punctuality or their lack of manners or both. I hate it when people do this and they do it far far faaaaaaaar to often.

Anyway I'm gonna just concentrate on my dinner - which will be yummy once cooked - cos I do not wanna be pissed off when 2010 come in.

.
.
.
.
.
.
Most of them turned up eventually that night :-) (in time for dinner - typical! lol)

What I'd like for the house

Ok I was asked to make a list of stuff I want for the house so here goes:

1) Food Processor:

I like:

- Kenwood: Price: £62.99
www.pixmania.co.uk; 08700 118 117

- Breville Price: £78.29
www.argos.co.uk; 0845 640 2020

- Kenwood Food Processor FP580
~£50

The best seems to be:
-Magimix food processor 3200

2) Vases:

- http://www.lauraashley.com/Vases+Bowls/RUSTIC-FLORAL-VASE/invt/3438528

Ok there were not many nice vases out there - at least not that I cud see!!

Ok, I CANNOT be bothered listing them in an organised way so the following is just stuff I like and wud want (click on the links):

- pans
- grater
- knives
- Kenwood chrome multi
- pans
- knives
- pans
- sharpner
- timer
- dish rack
- brush
- spice rack
- Royal Dalton China Dinner set
- Dinner set
- vase
- vase
- cups&saucers


ok I think thats it for now - I'm getting very carried away but a girl can dream, right?? lol

New House

First things first - the mice seems to have disappeared and Lamees has a funky new hair style!!

I'm enjoying being in the new house and its slowly but surely taking shape - most of the painting has been done upstairs and my room is almost ready. We're slowly getting to know out house, all the little ins and outs :-)

Will be starting uni in January - thats quite daunting and exciting at the same time! I cant wait to be a student again - there is such a hopeful something about being a student! :-)

So anyways - the below are bedroom looks that inspire me:












Ok I want this bedroom - see here!


Next..... what stuff I'd like in the house ;-)

moments

Life can sometimes seem like a series of incredibly profound moments - moments of realisation of some truth, either big or small, personal or universal.

Some truths are obvious to all such as "I love my cat" or "I like fast cars" or "I hate my job" others are harder to come by and the road to these moments can be long and arduous.

I like to think of someone who is tough and cynical - able to make hard choices when needed. Yet I also know I am incredibly sensitive, especially to what certain people think of me. I'd like to think I am a nice, well-rounded (well, I am physically!) person - generally well liked and well thought of by everyone. But how do you know for certain?How can I be sure I am a good person?

I think I am. I think I generally behave pretty well, I generally make the good choice, I try to think of others before myself.... the fact that I try makes me a good person, right? I hope so!

I would like someone totally unbiased to tell me what they think of me after they meet me and then offer me some really good, clear constructive criticism. I'd like it even more if they just told be I was "fine". I dont need to be incredible, or wonderful, or beautiful, or amazing - though I'd like to be of course - I just want to be good.

Is that silly or incredibly naive?

I think what I'd really like is to know myself definatively, absolutely and I really dont think I do. I'm mystery to myself half the time.

On a different note - I cried at the possible death of a mouse today. Yes people we have a slight mouse problem in the new house - apparently the old owner had housemates he neglected to mention and didnt seem to be bothered about.

They are cute little mice. I know I know - it freaked me out too the first day I saw them run across my floor. Made me spill HOT tea all over myself - made me feel all hyper-alert and scared. It also made me laugh cos I have never before behaved like such a girl - squealing and jumping around like a mad woman!

Anyway - my sister seems to take an unholy delight in tracking them down and scaring the life out of them. I, on the other hand, want them gone but cannot seem to tolerate the idea of causing them pain. I know - its stupid but just the thought of them being killed in some horrific way just seems so needlessly cruel. I'd rather just have them gone and deny them re-entry into the house by finding and blocking all points of entry. In a few days, teh traps will have done their job and all holes etc will have been blocked and we shall be mouse -free.

I think I'll always feel a little guilty though. I imagine little mouse babies missing their missing parents and starving to death, little mice freezing to death outside (cos sister dearest tossed them out), mice dying in bins (tossed out again), burnt alive in the fire place, poisoned etc etc etc

Horrible.

Ahhh - the new life experiences we gain through life..... lol