I have only 1 sibling and I love her. I do. Sometimes I love her so much I feel like the feeling will just burst outta my chest. She can be the sweetest, cutest girl. Helpful. Logical. Intelligent. Funny. Freaky. Hilarious. Weird.
But sometimes, many times, I just wanna hit her. She can be so aggravating, annoying and insensitive.
I admit - I am probably more sensitive than I should be and I do get hurt easily, especially by the people I love and care for... but I cant help that. I've tried to develop a thick skin, to not get hurt by people words, their little carelessness, their brush-offs, their insensitivity..... but I do. Mayb I just have to accept that hurt and keep moving on.
When I was going to the hospital for my biopsy, I wasnt scared or nervous but I would have liked my sister there with me - I dont know why, for support or something. Its a feeling I cannot even explain to myself - I wanted her there for me, for comfort, like a security blanket I guess. (That sounds silly, I know).
Anyway, I didnt want to ask her. More and more, I feel I shouldnt ask for these things, cos I am pandering to a emotionally dependent part of myself that I dont particularly like and one that seems to hold me back and cause me to be hurt over and over.
I didnt want to ask her to come with me but realised I would have to - cos otherwise she just wouldnt realise I didnt want her there, with me. I dont know - is it just me who likes the comfort of such things??? Am I weird for thinking that maybe my sister should have realised I may not want to go to the hospital alone???
Anyway, I asked her.
She said no. her reason was she had work to do. I knew that even if she didnt come with me she wouldnt do that work - she would sit at home and watch tv all day. I pointed that out to her but she insisted, that no she would work because it was a desperate situation and she just had to get that work done.
I didnt push it - I felt I shouldnt have had to ask her in the first place, but since I had she could have atleast come with me!
I didnt want to insist - it would have been pushy (she doesnt like that, calls me too emotional and then snaps at me) and it would have been too close to begging.
So I ended up going to the hospital alone. I had no one else to ask.
A kind friend picked me up from the hospital because I couldnt walk.... may Allah reward her.
When I got home my sister was sat infront of the TV watching a dvd - I tried not to, but couldnt help myself, I just had to point out that she could have come with since she hadnt done any work anyway. She just laughed and said, atleast her staying at home meant there was the possibility of her working.
Is it wrong of me, of my feelings, to get hurt by this attitude? Is she being insensitive and I being too sensitive???
I am hurt by this attitude. And this is only one recent example of what I feel is her insensitivity. Or mayb its just be being complex and overly sensitive.
Either way, my insides feel constantly bruised by her attitude and my percieved callousness of her towards me.
She is not alone in being insensitive.
Some of my friends suffer from this too. I miss them - but they never call. Never write. Do they remember me? Or am I no longer part of their lives? I dont know- I care though. But at the same time I dont, because if they dont care enough to find 2 seconds to call or text me, then are they really my friends at all? They no longer know anything about my life. DO they care to know? I find their excuses of "i have been so busy for the last year" or "i keep forgetting" sadly pathetic.
When I have friends I make a tiny bit of time to stay in touch at the very least.... my friends, I feel, are worth it.
Mayb I'm not.
The conclusion of this emotional post is... I am lonely. Maybe thats my fault.
All things considered I just want to leave. Get up, move out and leave. Go somewhere and start over. A new life....
Is it possible????
"When Allah decreed the Creation He pledged Himself by writing in His book which is laid down with Him: My Mercy prevails over My Wrath" Hadith (Muslim; al-Bukhari)
2 comments:
Salaam
wow baj.
I feel the same.
No, seriously.
But let me explain a few things first.
You are an older sister. And whether your parents are around or not, as varies from case to case, you will always have slightly 'maternal' feelings towards your younger siblings. This is only natural. My little sister tells me all the time, "You want to be my friend, but you act like my mum!"
And yes, I do. Because I worry about her so much; who she's hanging around with, what she eats, what type of exercise she gets, why the hell isn't she home yet????!
And she gets annoyed and she gets frustrated at times. And she says, "MY FRIENDS ARE SCARED OF YOU! I DON'T TELL YOU THAT YOU CAN'T HANG OUT WITH YOUR FRIENDS!" And she's right, she doesn't. You know why? Because, though she cares that I'm happy and that my friends are being good to me, and that, if they are giving me hassle she'll be the first on their case (I will elaborate below Insha'Allah :-) ), she doesn't have that extra instinct, that 'big-sister' thing, which makes you care that little bit more.
And sometimes it hurts, because you expect your love to be matched by that of your younger siblings. But when they refuse to go with you when you need that little bit of support, or when they'd rather watch tv than have a chat with you, you think that they don't love you as much as you love them and it gets you pretty down.
But what I've realised is that my sister, May Allah (swt) Give her the goodness of this life and the next, loves me as much as I love her, and possibly even more. Because even though I'm over-protective and her protectiveness is not so thorough, the way she looks up to me is so much more than I can ever look up to her. I mean, I admire her so much, and love her so much, and I thank Allah (swt) for Blessing me with possibly the funniest human-being on the planet, but I don't look up to her the way she looks up to me. And I know sometimes that hurts her the way it hurts me when I think she doesn't care. Because, when she does something she sees as big, and I don't acknowledge how HUGE it really is, she think that I don't care. But I do. And so does she. And when I need her, I mean, REALLY need her, there is no-one that I can rely on more.
I had a group of friends, who recently 'sold me out'. This, of course, affected me in a negative way. I deleted everyone's number and got rid of all their contact details. My sister? She did exactly the same. Because whoever hurts me KILLS her, whatever the rights and wrongs of the situation.
And that's something I admire about her. In the same situation I'd be more balanced, to avoid such drastic measures if possible. But she didn't hesitate. She got rid straight away.
My sister, though she doesn't come with me here and there when I ask her sometimes, and it does really make me :-(, when she knows I'm down, I mean, really down, she cries for me in private.
Siblings are a Blessing from Allah (swt). It's just like anything else really...a husband and wife have different roles, the brother and sister act differently towards each other and the older sister and the younger sister too, have their defined emotions and feelings. You just gotta remember that sis :-).
About going away. Mate, I'm DYING TO GO!!! Trying to find a job abroad! Seriously, if you wanna come be my guest, I will look for you too Insha'Allah :-)
thanks for this.... sometimes i just gotta spew!!!
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