Rest and the less

Life is a strange "thing"..... truly truly weird. I just can't figure it out.

I got back from a week spent in Manchester a couple of days ago. It was weird going back to Manchester, it looked like home, even felt like going home but while I was in it, it didn't fit quite right anymore. Kind of like a shirt you've outgrown slightly, still comfortable but slightly constrictive. I loved going back - to be honest, its not Manchester I miss but the company. The company is what MAKES Manchester for me... my friends.

While I lived in Manchester (Mcr for short) we used to meet very often, pretty much everyday. So moving to London, where I knew very few people, was a jolt. And so now, I'm pretty used to being alone and entertaining myself (usually by watching a lot of programmes). So when I now go back to Mcr, its great seeing and being with all my friends - but also.... weird. I'm not used to being part of a crowd so much anymore. I still love it and revel in it.... still, its strange.

My friends keeps telling me to move back.... and there are many practical reasons to move back and many practical reasons not to.... but the biggest question is - move back to WHAT??

I am 24 years old (and man thats OLD - how did I get this OLD?!) and I have not got a CLUE what I want to go with the rest of my life. I just DON'T KNOW. I don't even know how I can figure this out anymore. I have tried a LOT of things and nothing has worked out in the last year or so..... which just means I havn't hit upon whatever it is Allah has planned for me to do.... but I feel so very frustrated at this constant stagnation! I want to move forward with my life, with purpose and with a positive and hopeful goal.

On Wed (25 April) I'm travelling to Canada courtesy of my daddy dearest - to look for jobs and any opportunities out there. I'm not even sure what I'll be looking for is what I want to do - but beggars can't be choosers, now can they?! Besides, I've got to do something!!!

So people please, please, please make dua for me.... that whatever happens in Canada, whether it be a job or not, is the best thing for me, my deen/Iman, my future, and my hereafter (Jannah!).

I see people all around me, including friends, and I see them have a goal or goals, and a purpose and move towards it (alhamdulillah) but I feel left out.

I've been aimless for so long, its time to stop...... but how??? I'm looking for something, yet I don't even know what it is.......... needle in a haystack or what?!

So as I sit here and write this and lose seconds of my life I will never get back and getting older by those seconds, I have to wonder when exactly will I get a clue what the purpose of my life is????

I don't know if any of you will have seen the Amir Khan movie "Rang de Basante"? Its an amazing movie.... you could say its about purpose and right and wrong....

Any way, there is this one song in it.... I love it. It talks about how you feel the absolute NEED to do something, how this purpose fills your eyes like a mirror, how it drips from your body, how it fights it way out and about, how it yearns to fill the world with new colours.......



Thats how I want to feel. Filled with purpose, and that purpose to be for something that will help make the world a better place, whether that be in a small way or big. Just something, please Allah.