so many colours...

Its funny how when the sun is out the heart immediatly cheers and hope suddenly appears.

All winter I wait for spring and summer - there is something so magical about the first few days of spring. In the clarity of the air, the freshness of the morning, the sparkle of the dew on the grass, the warmth and softness of the sun's rays on the skin, especially the feel of the sun on the skin and the feel of the fresh wind in your hair.

These last few days have been wonderful in Manchester, though cold the sun has been shining and the air has had a fresh clean feel to it. And my whole life suddenly seems so much more hopeful.

All winter I have battled with depression and dark thoughts. In the dark and dank cold of this past winter I have felt like all hope was being extinguished inside me and my life held very little to offer me. I felt all the hurt of years past pressing down on me and crushing me. Often it was hard to bear thinking at all under the weight of it all.
I hate self-pity and cannot stand those who wallow in it; people who constantly feel sorry for themselves and do little to improve their situation annoy and aggravate me. Yet this winter I felt myself on that slippery slope of self-pity though I have to say I did not stop trying or at least trying to try (!).
But sometimes, sometimes it was just too much. The temptation of crawling into bed and pulling the covers over my head and fading away got too much and I'd just drift in the misery of my thoughts.
I hated it. And in hating those feelings that were such a huge part of my thought process at the time, I started to hate myself.
I have never felt such hopelessness.

To be a Muslim is to hope. To be at peace; doing what is right and avoiding the wrong and most of all, living. By these feelings I felt like I was betraying the core of my belief, to above all trust in God. Of course, this started a whole new line of pity.
I had no idea how to pull myself out of that viscious cycle, to start hope afresh. I wanted to be positive - I wanted to know that after all this hardship there would be ease. But hope, always fragile was elusive in those cloudy winter months.

And yet as the sun shines, hope once again blooms that God is here and He loves me like no other. He has brought me spring again, and with it pretty white blossoms like candy floss on a stick. He has brought me liquid gold and childrens laughter I can appreciate. He has blessed me with gentle breezes and peace in my heart.

It is a gift my heart can barely contain - I have hope for my future again. And relief - relief that darkness has receeded for now.
I can smile, I can laugh and I can be 25 and appreciate it.

Hell, I'm actually happy being 25, though mildly incredulous as to how I got here.
I even had a 25th birthday party which I threw in the hall where I work with some close friends, junk food and loud music. there was wild fun, wilder dancing and lots of laughs.

Roll on the summer!