crawling in my skin

This song really describes my state of mind at the moment - disturbed. Sometimes life just gets to u - all those little annoying irritations you'd normally just let breeze by suddenly affect u and your mood.
I hate it. Why should the opinions or harsh words of others affect my state of mind? But it does. It does and the thoughts seem to crawl through my mind, rifling through every nook and cranny searching for God knows what - wrecking my mood along the way.

I can feel the tightness in my face - the frown. The smile thats very definitely turned upside down!

I wanna scream and tear something (not me!). I'm trying to stay calm and calm my thoughts but I really just wanna act out and be.... savage. I want to let out the sarcasm and the biting wit; i want violence and revenge... I want to destroy something.

How long will the urge last this time? Why do I have to have such feelings? What kind of person am I?

Just the other day I was sat in this chair and I was listening to 'Mawlaya Salay' and I suddenly felt connected to every Muslim in the world - I literally felt surrounded and linked. It was such a beautiful feeling - suddenly I intimately understood, for that one moment of time, what the Prophet (SAW) meant when he said 'Muslims are one body'. I FELT this hadith all the way through me and in that moment I felt so proud to be a Muslim.



And yet today - well the weather is bad and so is my mood. Maybe it is just as simple as that my moods are connected to the weather - that if the weather is bad then the chances are my mood and my ability to cope is bad too....

And I am sick of people asking me if I am married - it makes me feel like I'v done something wrong by not being married yet. I am sick of answering this question people - NO I AM NOT MARRIED - I'M SORRYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYY!
Makes me wanna just marry the next guy who asks so I can say - "yes I flaming well am so sod off and leave me alone". or mayb just elope with some random guy i meet next off the road!!
Only it wont end there will it - oh no - "now ur married... arnt u pregnant yet?"

it never ends......... men so do NOT get this kind of pressure. Does it not occur to anyone that I may b happy single? That I do not want to settle? Not just that i do not want to settle but I'd rather not settle and have some guy I'm not even sure I wanted in the first place? That if I do marry I'd rather I was sure?
Is this too much to ask people?!?!

Getting married is not the be all and end all. Marriage is HALF of faith - HALF! It wasnt made half because it was easy. Its half cos it requires sacrifice and hard work and compromise - none of which is easy... and none that can be completely achieved if ur married to the WRONG GUY. So of course I'm gonna make damn sure that the guy asking is the right man for the job!

Oh and here's a new one - "But... dontu wanna get married... u know cos u like kids... u must want kids......."
Ummm... lady - once again - u really think I want kids with the WRONG kinda guy?? Me thinks not.

I wish people would just give me space for a while... space to get my head sorted out and to know what I want and need.......... I do not have the energy to think about all of this. I am coming from so much crap, stuff thats happened to me in the last few years..... I am sick of struggling and worrying and stressing....... I just dont want to do it anymore.