Stalking

I am using these last days of Ramadan doing a lot of thinking - meditation of sorts.

Sometimes, alot of the time, I avoid sleep. I feel it coming, almost like its stalking me but I resist. I don't want to sleep - it implies a loss of control, a vulnerability I feel that I cannot handle.

Little things around me, on TV, somewhere, somehow, they remind me of memories and fragments I wish were long forgotten. I feel like I am haunted - I feel like I cannot escape.

The night is darkening round me,
The wild winds coldly blow;
But a tyrant spell has bound me,
And I cannot, cannot go.
The giant trees are bending
Their bare boughs weighed with snow;
The storm is fast descending,
And yet I cannot go.
Clouds beyond clouds above me,
Wastes beyond wastes below;
But nothing drear can move me:
I will not, cannot go. (Emily Bronte)

At times this poem feels like it encompasses what I feel - a feeling of being trapped, of suffocating with feelings. Suffocating in my life and the choices I have made.

I feel resigned to it all right now. I dont know how to turn myself and my life around - I dont know if I have the strength and the perseverance it would take.

The seconds and minutes pass by - my life bleeds through my hands and I cannot catch moments of it. Time lost, never to be regained.

Time heals, they say. Thats bull I think.... time just allows for scabs and scars to form. And sometimes they open up. Sometimes, never truly form.

I want my life to have meaning. For my life to have meaning, it has to have meaning to me. It has to have a purpose that is meaningful to me. It needs to be anchored.

My thoughts drift as I cannot sleep - the dark is there, waiting. If I fall into it, maybe I'll remember more. I don't want to.

I know I am strong.... I should be stronger than this. Strong. Strong. Stronger.

I feel I will break soon.

"Out of suffering have emerged the strongest souls; the most massive characters are seared with scars" Khalil Gibran