The Wait

The wait seems interminable sometimes - a neverending line of seconds and minutes without meaning.

I lose myself in the time and sometimes become aware of it later having had no idea where the time went or how I spent it. Its a sad thing because each second should be precious - it will never be back again, I'll never be able to live it again or make use of it. I have wasted a second in which I could have done good or worshipped or done something useful - instead I have done.... nothing.

I live my life and I look out through my eyes and I dont think anyone can tell what happens inside here. My insides feel so hollow and empty and I feel I am becoming more and more detached from my life and everyone in it.

This cannot be good, can it?

I'm probably being incredibly pathetic - I always admired strong individuals, who took their own life and their own fate into their hands and carried on with strength and positivity no matter what.
Yet I cannot seem to get over this one hurdle.

I have to be true to myself about what I am feeling but maybe I am too much mired in it all to know what to do about it.

I feel like something is hanging onto my ankles and dragging me below into deep, heavy, murky water and I dont think I remember how to swim.

I sat with family today and I laughed and joked and acted normal but inside me something, in some corner, just felt hollow.

I want it to go away.

If nothing good of me remains then I want to keep atleast one good aspect - Insha'allah I will hang onto this with all my might.

"In a time of universal deceit, telling the truth becomes a revolutionary act." George Orwell