Lostkitty

This has been a bizarre time for me, emotionally and life style wise.

I don't really know what I'm doing and am just trying to get through it all. But this is not going to be a self-pity blog - I want to explore why I am the way I am. I want to understand myself - why I am who I am, the way I am.
I do not think I am a great observer or very perceptive.... I am a very straight forward person so these very introspective moods do not happen often yet they are happening more and more.

Is this a sign of growing up? Of maturity? or of growing insecurities? mayb its a sign of an unbalanced mind! :-)

There is so much I do not like about myself - so much I see that needs improving yet day after day, I get thru without having made much of a change, if any at all. Is that normal?

I could be so much better. I could be a much greater person. Yet I am not. And the blame can only be laid at my door. Who else can be blamed?

Of course for some insecurities I can blame someone else... but that is another story.

All my life I have blithely gone on, ignoring or pushing thru. I do not suffer doubts very well and I sure as hell am not much of a deep thinker.

What I am is a needy person I think. Mostly, I need people to like me. That is the first point I'd like to make, the point for today.

I NEED people to like me. It is essential to me. Nothing hurts me and makes me more insecure than someone not liking me for an inexplicable reason. Winds me up!

I am confident, I am funny, I am articulate, I have a broad range of hobbies and interests - are these all really me or a cover I have developed for myself so I will be well liked??

Lately, I do not care so much if someone doesnt like me or if a friend drifts away. But always I am aware, somewhere inside me, there is pain, there is hurt. Was I not nice or interesting enough to be your friend, to be someone in your life? What is wrong with me?
Such insecurity cannot be good for a person - yet they plague me.

I was always sensitive. Perhaps too sensitive. My mother always said I let people hurt me too much and needed to not be so sensitive and I can now see her wisdom.

Very few people out there CARE if they hurt you; everyone is BUSY, busy busy. They have lives, interests, loves.... who are you? Someone they remember now and then? When push comes to shove - will they chose u?!

Sometimes, I have no idea who I am.

But one thing I never EVER doubt is my Islam. Beyond that, I am ALL questions, lol!

Sometimes I am so divided - like there are two of me inside my head and I cannot chose which face I want to wear that day.
Obviously, there is the face that everyone I know would perceive as the good one and the other face, not well known, that springs from the darkest, most horrible, most terrible and painful experiences of my life - this face is not so nice. It is dark, a reflection of the dark within me. A shadow with me, always.

I feel it as stain that will never let me be clean.

Woah - I never meant to write so much.... I guess I have been thinking even more of this than I thought I was!

Does any of this even make sense?!