A father is an important part of the family, even more if a mother is not part of the family; after mum died dad had to take up the reigns when it came to raising us. It cannot have been easy; previous to that, as far as I can remember, he was a typical asian father. What I mean by that is, he didnt really have much to do with our day to day lives - he was more of a disciplinarian. You know, the immortal phrase "I'm gonna tell your dad...."
The long and the short of it is:
My dad looks at me in disgust. I dont know if he knows I notice or not but I see his looks - maybe even he doesnt know he is doing it. But it hurts - it hurts because he is my father and I want his unconditional love.
It hurts because I do not know how to make him love me. I'm not saying he doesnt love me at all but what I mean is.... how to make him really love ME. The person I am.
I try and I try and I try to become better and to do everything I can to improve myself but it is never enough. Never ever anywhere near enough. I am always a disappointment.
I'm blogging about this cos I just dont know what to do and I dont know where to turn. It feels so hopeless.... i am not writing this just cos the mood has taken me but rather cos I have been thinking on this for days and it hurts.
Always its "change yourself", "be better", "be different" - I'm never good enough as I am.
It is so soul-destroying to know that my father will never completely love me as I am - I have to change to have his love, change more than I have already. I have to become someone else... and I am trying. I have been ever since I moved in with him.
I did not want him to regret living with me again; I wanted him to see how much better I am, how much more responsible yet all I got was more criticism.
I feel like I will never be good enough. And it feels even more horrible to know that my fathers love for me is tied in with my looks - he, like society, would like me more if I was a size 10.
SO I guess I will continue to try and become better till he approves and I will go on a diet which involves not eating very much to try and lose weight.
"When Allah decreed the Creation He pledged Himself by writing in His book which is laid down with Him: My Mercy prevails over My Wrath" Hadith (Muslim; al-Bukhari)
2 comments:
tahnia i had the same problem with my dad - like nothing was good enough; that i could never make him proud - and that's all i wanted to do.
But i simply told him, through letters - i told him that i can't take the stress of trying to please him, that i can't be who he wants me to be, that i have to be myself or i will self-destruct, that i am sorry for hurting him, because when i hurt him, i hurt myself too, that i want him to be proud of me but have no clue of how to even start....
And it made him realise that he gave too much criticism, and that he loved me whatever, and was always proud of me despite the looks and the words and the negative statements...and he told me so; that he loved me and was proud of me regardless of anything else in the world.
Sometimes, or even most time, it doesn't feel that way - but he told me it was in fact, like that, and I have to trust him; and moreover, i do trust his word, because it was hard for him to say it.
Maybe communication is the key...maybe it is the time to just lay out your entire heard to your father.
thanks - i finally kind of brought up the subject with him and told him of my insecurities.
he really listened for once and reassured me. i hope the peace we made lasts and he realises how sensitive i am and we keep talking.
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