a thought

Some people have that amazing ability to put their thoughts into words... to express their thought in words understood by others - i sadly do not have that ability. Still, this is my blog and really only i have to understand it.

These last two days have been weird for me - i have felt like my head is going to explode from all the feeling stuffed in me and at the same time even I do not know what I am feeling. I have felt overwhelmed by the feelings in me - completely lost in the emptiness that is in me. It is hard to express or explain or put it into words.

I have been contemplating love - when do u know ur in love? and how do two people know they are in love? and if u do feel that attraction towards someone - how do u know what to do about it?? I have been thinking about a certain friend who I met again after some time recently who took the plunge into matrimony a few years back.
She took a great risk marrying the guy she did - in those circumstances - and I admire her courage and faith. Yet thinking about what she did just confuses me and makes such questions arise. How DID she know what to do?

Also, according to the Islamic calendar yesterday was the anniversary of my mothers death. Its been 9 years - nine years! Subahnallah how time passes. I dont feel sad exactly altho sadness is definitely a factor... i feel a curious blankness. I miss her.... mostly because I need her unconditional love, wisdom and advice. I need to ask her questions I guess that can only be asked of a mother by a daughter.

I am scared by the future and not knowing which direction to take. I feel uncertain of what the future holds......... I wish I cud once again be filled with that certainty that I once had - that knowing of which direction to take. Youth had so many advantages - in comparison I feel jaded and cynical... and somewhat bitter.

I feel unappreciated and second-rate. Sometimes I feel like a fraud. I think its because I'm too sensitive and I take peoples comments to heart - i try not to believe what they say about me but I think their words and sentiments are embedded in my flesh and heart.

I wish I was a better person - one more deserving of peoples and God's love.

I see my dad with my sister and they fit together in way I can never be part of - and in my achievement of my goal to have my little family whole again I suddenly feel I have kicked myself out of this little family circle.
With her he laughs again - Alhamdulillah and while that soothes my heart to see him relaxed and have joy in his life again, I wish I could have his love and understanding the way she does.

But then I feel that mayb she deserves his love more - mayb she is a better person. Everyone who knows us best always says or implies so. In the family she is the definite favourite.
These feelings do not diminish my own love for her......... its just I wish I mattered to them as much they do to each other.

Sometimes I wish I cud walk away and then my heart bleeds cos it is so easy to think that none of them will notice.

God, I sound so pathetic and self-pitying but I need to release these feelings. To attempt understanding...... somehow.

Dad really does not understand what the last few years have done to me - I was sensitive before, I am more so now as I am unsure of love, I crave stability like a starving person craves food yet am unsure of myself to such a degree that I cannot make a decision regarding my future.

Dad just does not see that all these years of being a failure, of being a disappointment, all those criticisms, negativity have not motivated me but made me suicidal. Alhamdulillah I have my faith and such a path was not one I allowed myself.

Yet how strong can my faith be if such thoughts even enter my head??

Questions, questions; everywhere I turn I question myself??

I just cannot trust myself anymore. finally, I believe in everything they say about me....... i believe it in such a way that no matter how friends logic may state otherwise I just cannot believe them. Even if I myself place arguments against their opinions about me - I cannot win this argument.

When will this mood lift??? I keep falling into this black pit - I want to stop all this pity but find I cannot. So I drift with it and listen to my Quran, to my nasheeds and my music and wait for it to be over....... to just flow with it.

I am angry. Angry with myself, my situation, my own ineptness, my own helplessness, my own patheticness....... I am so very angry with me.

I dont want to be me anymore. THeir voices ring in my ears telling me that I am not a very likeable or nice person anyway.

I want to scream till my throat is raw and it bleeds like my insides - like the emptiness bleeds inside my skull.Too much has happened - i feel like I have experienced too much pain, sadness and lonliness....... I need to scream it out, to bleed it out.

I want to believe so hard that my faith makes it all OK. I want my mother so she will hug me and tell me it will all be ok. I want to be strong and hard and tough so I can make it all OK myself.