time rolls on

I havnt blogged in a while.... usually i blog relatively regularly but I havnt - i wont even ask why cos I dont know.

I dont know if I am unique in this, probably not, but I dont tend to think things thru about myself. I mean I dont question every decision or thought process I have about myself. Is this weird?

When I talk to my dad I think it is. My dads standard response to most things about me is "your weird!". lol which is funny and not, all at the same time. I guess I'd like dad to understand me more - yet how is that possible? I havnt even discovered who I am yet!

Should I think on this? Should I be more meditative, more introspective about myself - where I am headed and who I am?? Should I know myself better than I do?? Is it wrong of me not to know my goal and my aim in this life?
Dad thinks it is - what do I think? Well some of me thinks it is very important to know goals because thats wat gives you ambition, a drive to head to wherever you are headed. And some of me thinks that its ok not to know - lots of people dont know their goal in life in terms of job etc... or at least many tell me they dont know.

I am scared of getting left behind - of being dependent, of being despondent and not being stable and secure.

I see all my friends achieving their set goals and moving on - marriage, job stability all achieved to some degree. yet here I am - still rolling to somewhere... only Allah knows where. It is not that I want to get married (and its not that I dont) however marriage is not my goal... I cannot and do not think marriage will offer me the comfort and/or stability I am searching for. It is just another journey in life.

I want a job...nope, a career where I am offered stability and good money. I want a home to call my own and one that I can decorate how I want to. I want a home that does not feel temporary. I do not want to worry about money for bills, or rent, or food, or holidays. I want enough to be comfortable.
Yet how to achieve it. I want answers - yet these answers are only ones I can provide myself and yet I am the one who is lost.

So it all comes back to knowing yourself - and I guess I just dont know myself well enough to answer these questions about my own life.

What DO I want out of my job - other than money? I basically like what I do but I wanna get paid double for it! lol

I'm gonna have to make a choice pretty soon cos I cannot live like this very much longer - I wish someone wud point out the right path to me and automatically I would recognise it as the right one and head for it and achieve what I have to, to make it come true.

I want a definitive truth.

Oh and Ramadan Mubarak world - I hope this Ramadan brings peace and tranquility to our troubled world.
I hope it brings peace and tranquility to me. Please make dua for me.