Yesterday I went out with Lam and some of her friends.... we went rowing on a lake in Regents Park. It was a lovely experience, marred only by the headache I've had for three days (that I cant seem to shake), by people being late and selfish, and by the gray clouds over head that turned into rain halfway through our day. Still... I liked the rowing.
On the way, on the tube a pregnant woman was sat opposite me, gently cupping her stomach full with child. There was a time not long ago when I used to see a pregnant woman and envy her. Motherhood is such a blessing and comes with such great reward. Pregnant women always seemed to be.... special. Carrying little miracles inside them. And I had wanted to be one of them.
Yesterday I learned something about myself. I no longer yearn for marriage or pregnancy. I no longer yearn for children. These were goals I used to have... had always had. Maybe like every other Muslim girl out there, I had wanted to be a wife and a mother. I had especially wanted to be a mother, ask any of my friends, it was an ambition. I had yearned for these things, the want used to be a pain inside my heart. But not any more.
Somewhere, sometime, I had changed and I hadnt even realised it. Thats what hit me as I stared at this woman cuddling the child inside her belly. I no longer felt that yearning. Instead I felt empty. No yearning but neither any regret or sorrow.
I began to wonder- why do I no longer want these things? So I thought about it all the way home and then some. And I realised, not only did I consider them unattainable but I do not think I am worthy... if thats the right word.
I don't feel ready to be a wife or a mother. I do not feel I have what it takes. Being either takes dedication, stamina, perseverance, strength, power, stability, and a sense of rightness... and I doubt I have any of these. I'm not feeling sorry for myself.... its just something I've realised.
I have, in the last few years, become someone I do not know. I do not know anymore what I want or how. I do not know how to do what i want to do. I do not know if I have the strength of will to find a purpose. I do not even know if I care.
I try to make plans, to make goals, and they either slip out of my grasp or I cannot attain them or something goes wrong. Mayb its because I do not want them enough, or maybe its because I never wanted them in the first place, maybe its because I didnt try hard enough, dedicate myself enough.... anyway... I lose them.
How do you learn who you are? How do you learn what you want? I am 24 years old and I have lost myself.
"When Allah decreed the Creation He pledged Himself by writing in His book which is laid down with Him: My Mercy prevails over My Wrath" Hadith (Muslim; al-Bukhari)
8 comments:
I am 22 years old and I lost myself in November last year. I found myself again 7 months later...exactly two weeks ago. But what I found was different and incomplete...but at least I found something, so as to work on it.
To find yourself is a process known as Purification of the Heart. You start by finding the diseases and working out whether you have them. And if you have them, you have to admit you have them. And when you admit you have them, you have to tackle them. And for different diseases there are different cures, but one element remains throughout - du'aa and tawwakul of Allah.
I know totally what you are going through. There are possibly 2 reasons, or a combination of both:-
1). A disease of the heart and waswash of the shaytaan telling you that nothing is truly attainable - so don't bother hoping for it. This is despair; and to despair of the Mercy of Allah is something attributed to the disbelievers; we can see this by Yaqooob (as)'s speech to his sons in Surah Yusaf (sorry, I don't know the exact verse - it's in between the middle and the end).
2). A lack of tawwakul in Allah. Which is a form of lack of emaan, and very easy to fall into, so much so, we don't realise we have done it. People do this on a daily basis...they work themselves ragged to make sure that they can afford to put money into their pension plans, come home and are too tired to pray. Or they have exams after Ramadhan so don't fast during their revision. It's massively erroneous. We have to tie the camel, and pray to Allah. Because we can't even tie the camel without Allah! Allah comes first, and Allah Always looks after His servants. So don't worry. All this is just a test to you.
You know something, in the Qur'an it says, and is translated as, "Verily, with difficulty comes ease."
But that's wrong.
What it ACTUALLY says is....
"Verily, with difficulty come EASES."
SubhanAllah!
When you go through hardship, like illness, you are rewarded for your sabr, and you are purified by the experience. When you go through mental hardship, like you are now, then Insha’Allah, the reward will be the same. Difficulty is difficulty, and Allah (swt) has Promised that the easiness will come. He said it twice, one straight after the other!
My advice to you is to pray Tahujjud. And ask Allah (swt) for His Beneficence at this time of night. Ask him for sakina. And ask Him to Guide you. And ask Him to show you the way forward; ask Him what you should do with your life and ask Him for a sign to point you in that direction.
Be consistent, and be sincere, and speak to Allah (swt) from your heart and Insha’Allah, Allah will Guide you. And He will Help you to find yourself.
”I try to make plans, to make goals, and they either slip out of my grasp or I cannot attain them or something goes wrong.”
You’ve lived a life full of dreams, and when you finished your education you thought you’d fall straight into doing those dreams. But sometimes things take time, and you’re feeling that maybe not only are they unattainable, but you’re not worthy for them. So ask Allah to Purify you and Use you in His Cause, so that you will attain success in this life and the next Insha’Allah. And if you have a plan you sincerely think is good and will work, pray istikhara and do it. Because when you get no obstacles blocking your way, seriously, you feel so much more confident about yourself and about your idea, and you start feeling yourself again!
Insha’Allah, I hope this was beneficial and I hope this works for you. Just don’t stop caring, and don’t despair of the Mercy of Allah.
i meant waswasah not waswash of the shaytaan...lol sorry
thanks for the advice Ayesha, Wallahi I appreciate it.But I just feel like I'v been hanging on for so long... that my even my fingernails have been run ragged and have broken.
I know I need to have more Imaan and more Tawwakulul Allah but it just seems like such a long, Loooooong steep travel.
I just dont know if I have the energy to keep trying,or the will. But then, what other choice is there?
I have lost and found myself 2twice now its the lost moments that act as catalist of change.
you will be fine sweetie
everyone i talk to has lost AND found themself again.
I feel like i'v been lost for the last decade... and have spent so much time just fading away....
Kitty am still a bit lost myself. I dont know if thats such a bad thing cause it makes me me if that makes sence. What if i am not me when I find myself. I like been me and indicisive and confused and a change hater...
I am looking forward to having you here in good old manchester real soon Kitty.
kitty we all get lost, actually sometimes we need to get lost in order to remember where we are actually heading, its a phase in life that comes and goes walahi, and sooner or later you will find yourself an dthen down the lane get lost again, it happens.
take it with a pinch of salt and concentrate in getting found :0)
hey i found you didnt i, your a friend and that means your already been found love :)
awww! i didnt kno u cud get soppy whitey!
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