Thats not me.
I cannot, even when I try, hold a grudge. Not for more than an hour or two at most. I think once I managed to stay angry for a whole 24 hours, ofcourse I was asleep half of that time, so I'm not sure how much that counts...
My point is, sometimes, just sometimes, I would like to stay angry. When I'm angry I have a focus. Something I am pissed off about. Its not a futile exercise in anything. I especially hate losing my anger and not being able to have grudge when I am glaringly right. Never is that righteous anger as strong as when I am having a disagreement with my sister. I HATE it that she will never consider that she is wrong. I hate her always taking a superior tone. I hate her taking a moralistic high - even when she is on shaky ground and has none. I hate that she never considers what I say, rarely actually listens to the words coming out of my mouth; it is always my fault. ALWAYS. I hate her condescending tone when she talks to me - like I am a dimwit. But I especially hate is the fact that when I am right and she is wrong she refuses to accept it and blames me, and even then, in my anger I cannot hold a flaming grudge!!! Its extremely annoying.
Now I know not holding a grudge is a virtue and good in Islam. But each time this happens with her I feel I back down. I let her win. Ok, so I know its not supposed to be about winning. I know that, I do. And I know at 23 I really should have figured out a solution to all this. But gorramit, its frustrating! Why do I always back down? Why do I have to always ignore her rudeness? Her being wrong?
WHY CAN'T I HOLD A GRUDGE?!?!?!
But then there is the thought -mayb she has the right to feel superior to me. Well, maybe she does. After all, I need her more than she needs me. She helps me more than I have ever helped her. Plus she is actually better at everything than me. Maybe she is a better person than me too. So maybe, she has earned the right to talk to me like that, to not back down. Maybe she has. (no this is not self-pitying drivel - atleast I dont think it is!).
Although I know I am being much more emotional and sensitive than usual. I'm getting to a point in my life (again!) which I just feel completely defeated. Nothing is working out. Nothing is what I want. Or how I want. I just can't seem to make anything work. Nothing. A big fat failure.
I would like to blame this all on moving, bad luck, London but they are all excuses. I am failing. This test. Not only am I failing I pulling others down with me. Not just failing but failing massively.
On the other hand -there is good news. Going to see Omid Djali tomorrow. Love his comedy. Lets see if he can change my mood. My life even. Lets see if anyone can....
1 comment:
T- I DON'T want to here this self defeatest attitude, you expect too much from yourself! your in a difficult situation and all you can do is make the most of it! After harshship always come ease, its just that sometime our hardship in earth years my appear to be on-going or longitudinal.
I will be seeing you this weekend women! till then Lamees should treat you better, your her older sister and deserving of respect irrespective of what your fighting about! ands thats coming from a middle child.
Salam till friday night inshallah
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