kids

I love kids. Thats just the way I am. They are little miracles - each one unique and interesting.
As I work in a primary school I get to hang out with kids everyday and theyhave this amazing capacity for appreciating life and absorbing knowledge. Each day is new and wonderful and exciting.

I love cuddling them and telling them little stories - their little laughs and giggles are inspiring to me. I love the way they turn to me for comfort or just a smile. They fill my heart with love for this world.

I have been blessed with the gift of getting along with kids and having them get along with me - we can have some fun times at the school. Unfortunately not everyone has this ability to understand or get along with kids. Some people find them annoying or irritating, others just cant be bothered or dont know what to do with them. Others try to bully and shout the kids into doing what they want.

We have one such staff member at my work place - while she is a great person, as a teacher she is not so hot. She starts of being aggressive with the kids, shouting and sort-of bullying them. Thats not the way to get kids doing anything - for if u start of shouting u have nowhere to go, its not like u can then raise ur voice to express ur annoyance at their misbehaving.

Some people do not understand the different needs of children of different ages - they treat 4 yr olds the same as 12 yr olds..... the difference is vast. A 4 yr old will have problems understanding complex instructions and multitasking - while older children will have aquired these life skills to some degree.

I dont understand people who do not get along with kids - I think children are fabulous fun! But if you do not have the ability or the patience or the fortitude to be with kids then for Gods Sake- DON'T!! Go work in some other fields, down give birth... just stay away. It will just stress u and the kids out.

life o life

Peace. Its such a rare feeling in these times. We rush around from point A to point B to point C in out lives and never really stop to admire the scenery. Life itself is such a precious gift and yet I believe that as humans it is the blessing we most take for granted. Without life we have nothing.

So I thank Allah for my life. My wonderful life. No sarcasm! Just honest to goodness thanks.

I cud spend the rest of my life thanking God for this life and it wudnt be enough - nevermind thanking Allah for anything else!

I want to live this life in the most fulfilling way I can.

(Btw - i know this blog is disjointed - i'm just jotting down thoughts)

I just got all my blood tests back (or so I think) and i'm possitive for hypothyroidism (for the moment) and Rh arthritis.

These explain all my symptoms alhamdulillah. So now I know. Nothing was in my head - I wasnt imagining any of it. Its all true. Yay! I should at this moment be thinking "no way - i'm too young for either of these diseases" or "how cud this happen to me" or sumthing along those lines. But what I'm feeling is actually more a kind of relief, of thankfullness cos it cud have been worse. And like I siad before - its a relief to know its not all in my head. I cannot explain how much relief I feel. I am so glad to know that none of it was made up or over-exaggerated in my head.

I am having to resign from my job (shhh! letters not been handed in yet!) but thats kinda ok. I just cant keep working like this plus its not fair to my work place, not to mention my boss who has been very supportive so far, alhamdulillah. (long may she continue to be so!).

My PGCE application has been finally sent for reference so lets hope that works out.

I may be ill but many questions and doubts have been answered and silenced. Its all good as they say! :-)

Right now my left knee is killing me cos of the injury, i cant control my fingers right due to what I assume is the arthritis and my shoulders and body are aching due to the thyroid problem..... but its fine alhamdulillah cos now I know!!!

ooohhhhhhhh the relief of knowing!!

Somehow all this makes me think of mum so much more. I dont miss her but I wanna know what she wud make of all this. I wud like to talk it over with her and get her opinions....

salah

Its late and i'm quickly jotting this down because i dont want to forget this feeling.

I just read the most amazing salah of my life. As everyone who reads salah is aware - it can be very hard to gain and maintain concentration during your salah and this continues to be a struggle throughout your life. Some manage to achieve very high levels of concentration (masha'allah) while the rest of us struggle in every salah.

The idea is to focus ur mind so totally on ur salah that everything else ceases to exist - i'm nowhere near that stage!

But today I managed to get so incredibly close!! I had this one rakah in Ish'a where suddenly I cud feel total peace and contentment enveloped me- serious, i mean envelop. Suddenly the whole of life made sense and I felt this incredible connection to my salah and to the words I was reading. The meaning of the surah became crystal clear and the whole point of salah was gloriously obvious. I felt, blissfully aware of the significance and importance of my salah.

It was the best, most content, most peaceful, most spiritual moment of my life.

Thank you Allah!!

Thinking back to black

I woke up this morning (its hard work!) thinking black thoughts - thinking back to the time when I was in a womens shelter for the homeless and my time there. My first night which was spent on two chairs pushed together in their common room - clutching my bags, waking at every sound. Scared, unsure.... and just wondering what the hell i had done wrong to be there. Then i got a room and I spent my days at work and my evenings alone, with nothing to do, nothing to look at except blank walls.

But u know what??? I really just cannot be bothered talking or thinking about it now - whats happened has happened and life moves on. I cant keep revisiting bad old memories and questioning my part in them or feeling depressed about it.

So I am gonna attempt to just move on and say "fuck it!" :-D

i'm not totally crazy!!

Well the results are in.... and I am not a paranoid hypochondriac!!! yay!!

I dont know whether it is sad or stupid that I am happy the doc found things wrong with me just so that I know this. lol - probably both!

Anyway - yes u read right, its "things" plural. More than one thing was wrong with my blood test results but thats ok cos I am just happy to know what it is happening inside me!! Alhamdulillah! Anyways not all the results are back and what seems to be wrong seems to be treatable so I am lucky, Alhamdulillah.

I am also gonna have to have a knee operation sometime in the near future to sort out my leg injury - another thing I am glad to know I was not imagining or exaggerating the symptoms of!

I was seriously starting to question my character.... honestly, the hardest thing about this whole being ill business wasnt actually being ill but thinking it was all in my head or that I was of such weak character that I was exaggerating it all out of proportion.

I am just so relieved that I am not as weak willed or pathetic as all that - wallahi, so very relieved!!

:-)

So anyways, while it all gets sorted out I get to spend all day everyday in pain, usually its bearable but sometimes it can get downright un-ignorable! And to top it off I am severely lacking in energy due to this crap - not just from being ill all the time as I thought but from the illness itself.

yet still, regardless of the fact that crap is going wrong in my body, I am so so sooooooooo happy I am not imagining things!!!

paranoid hypochondriac??

As many of you may be aware my health has not been good these past few winter months- in fact I seem to suffer from an abundance of colds and virus's every winter. Which may explain a reason why I love the summer so damn much - less illness!!

Anyway, this year is no exception. Even though I have had the 'flu jab I seem to be ill almost all the time. Ok so maybe what I'm getting isnt the 'flu but everything else - colds upon colds, throat infections, ear aches, leg pain (ok so that has now been explained), random temperatures and fevers... it feels like if I manage to get over one virus another just comes along and infects me.

I'm exhausted. Being ill all the time isnt easy - a walk across the road exhausts me, washing the dishes is actually a chore that tires me out now!

Its hard to believe how much energy can be leeched just by getting one cold after another!

I am starting to think that maybe, just maybe, its all in my head. I mean seriously, if it was then how would i prove that i was really ill??

Mayb the snuffles and sore throats are actually caused by some virus but the random temperature spikes and fevers, maybe they are just caused by me?? Or maybe I'm not as ill as I think I am? Maybe I just need to push myself more?? But how do I prove this?

How do I prove that I am actually ill or that its all psychological??

I certainly dont feel well. The aches, pains, fevers, temperatures, dizziness, lethargy etc etc all feel real. And I honestly dont enjoy sitting at home feeling like crap!!

yet here I am suspecting myself of psychologically hijacking my own health!!

I wish I did not suspect myself all the time - it makes me feel that much worse to think I'm faking it, even to myself! I hope that sometime soon the Dr will just tell me whats wrong - even if her answer is a disorder which means "u have a crappy immune system and there is nothing we can do about it".

The amount of time I have missed off work - I'm probably gonna get fired. Or asked to leave.

Ugh!! But I swear - I am ill!! but then isnt that exactly what a paranoid hypochondraic wud say??

26

I've turned 26. Yesterday. I don't quite know what to say, or if there is anything to say! I find it hard to believe I have lived 26 years - where have all the years gone?!? I seemed to done a "1, 2 , skip a few..." deal.

Time passes in the blink of an eye and here years of my life have passed and I feel like in the rush to live life I have barely noticed their passing.

I feel somewhat sad at what I see as my lack of achievements or progress in life but then again, and here I feel like I'm making excuses, a lot has happened in the past 10 years. Not much of it was under my control unfortunately.

Then again, God has blessed me with a lot too. After all, many do not even live to 26 - its a blessing in itself. I feel blessed by Allah in so many ways and yet at the same time... I feel kinda short-changed. I get the feeling that this is not the right way to feel!! lol

26.

How the hell did I get to 26??? I don't feel old or mature or grown up to be 26!! Most of my friends are married, or getting married or even having kids!! Wtf?!?! How did I get here??

Working with children is a blessing - children are little bundles of inpiration that seem to sparkle even in the darkest days. They approach everything in a new and fresh way and everyday is a new opportunity for them. You'll never see a kid treating play-time as a repeat - "why is this here again?" - they just jump right is with zeal and ever abundant energy and just have a blast.

Thats how I want to live my life everyday. Afterall every single day is an opportunity, a gift from Allah and I want to be able to treat it differently and enjoy that day in a unique way. I want to be unique in my approach, as unique as all children are. I want to become a better person, a better Muslim, every day. I want to love and be loved every day. I want to do as much as I can every day. I don't ever want to look back and regret anything.

Although I do believe I'v become boring! I'd now rather just have a cup of tea with friends than have a party - I just can't be bothered! It just seems like too much effort and I can't party as long as I used to anyway and I dont want to! Is this wat being in ur late 20s is all about?!!

I wish for so much. But wishing is futile. Life is to be gotten on with and I must be grateful for what I have and work with that to the best of my ability.

Its just that I can't stop being me; and the me I am now doesnt like herself very much at all most of the time.

I just dont know how to stop.

the end of a Bushism era

Well people.... wow - the days where Bush is no longer in-charge have finally come. Funnily enough I almost expected his leaving the White House to be accompanied by some last minute disaster like his declaring war on "spanishtan" or somehting equally violent and idiotic.

I have spent 8 years having contempt for this man and feeling sympathy for the American people for having to put up with him much more than the rest of us have had to. I feel the most for the soldiers of america who have had to put their lives on the line, many losing them, for the policies of this man. A man I would not leave in charge of a child never mind a country!

He is the one man we can say that has affected the new 21st Century the most - and unforunately he has NOT made the world a better place. By far the world is much worse off - this includes the US with its current economic crisis.

There are many comedians who have made a lot of money from Bushism - lets be honest, with this man the jokes practically wrote themselves!

So lets celebrate the end of his horribly long, bloody, violent, stupid era with some Bushism:

"You teach a child to read, and he or her will be able to pass a literacy test.'' —Townsend, Tenn., Feb. 21, 2001

"We both use Colgate toothpaste." —after a reporter asked what he had in common with British Prime Minister Tony Blair, Camp David, Md., Feb. 23, 2001

"I glance at the headlines just to kind of get a flavor for what's moving. I rarely read the stories, and get briefed by people who are probably read the news themselves." —Washington, D.C., Sept. 21, 2003

"I'm the commander — see, I don't need to explain — I do not need to explain why I say things. That's the interesting thing about being president." —as quoted in Bob Woodward's Bush at War

"The war on terror involves Saddam Hussein because of the nature of Saddam Hussein, the history of Saddam Hussein, and his willingness to terrorize himself." —Grand Rapids, Mich., Jan. 29, 2003

"Oh, no, we're not going to have any casualties." —discussing the Iraq war with Christian Coalition founder Pat Robertson, as quoted by Robertson

"Haven't we already given money to rich people? Why are we going to do it again?" —to economic advisers discussing a second round of tax cuts, as quoted by former Treasury Secretary Paul O'Neil, Washington, D.C., Nov. 26, 2002

"We need an energy bill that encourages consumption." —Trenton, N.J., Sept. 23, 2002

"Do you have blacks, too?" —to Brazilian President Fernando Cardoso, Washington, D.C., Nov. 8, 2001

"This foreign policy stuff is a little frustrating." —as quoted by the New York Daily News, April 23, 2002

"I couldn't imagine somebody like Osama bin Laden understanding the joy of Hanukkah." —at a White House menorah lighting ceremony, Washington, D.C., Dec. 10, 2001

"For every fatal shooting, there were roughly three non-fatal shootings. And, folks, this is unacceptable in America. It's just unacceptable. And we're going to do something about it." —Philadelphia, Penn., May 14, 2001

"See, free nations are peaceful nations. Free nations don't attack each other. Free nations don't develop weapons of mass destruction." —Milwaukee, Wis., Oct. 3, 2003

"I just want you to know that, when we talk about war, we're really talking about peace." —Washington, D.C. June 18, 2002

"Our enemies are innovative and resourceful, and so are we. They never stop thinking about new ways to harm our country and our people, and neither do we." —Washington, D.C., Aug. 5, 2004 (Watch video)

"I know the human being and fish can coexist peacefully." — September 2000, explaining his energy policies at an event in Michigan.

"Rarely is the question asked, is our children learning?" — January 2000, during a campaign event in South Carolina.

— "They misunderestimated the compassion of our country. I think they misunderestimated the will and determination of the commander in chief, too." — Sept. 26, 2001, in Langley, Va. Bush was referring to the terrorists who carried out the Sept. 11 attacks.

— "There's no doubt in my mind, not one doubt in my mind, that we will fail." — Oct. 4, 2001, in Washington. Bush was remarking on a back-to-work plan after the terrorist attacks.

— "It would be a mistake for the United States Senate to allow any kind of human cloning to come out of that chamber." — April 10, 2002, at the White House, as Bush urged Senate passage of a broad ban on cloning.

— "Make no mistake about it, I understand how tough it is, sir. I talk to families who die." — Dec. 7, 2006, in a joint appearance with British Prime Minister Tony Blair.

— "These are big achievements for this country, and the people of Bulgaria ought to be proud of the achievements that they have achieved." — June 11, 2007, in Sofia, Bulgaria.

And there are many, many... oh God, MANY more - the man was a complete waste of space and look what he has done to the world.

But aside from the violent and bloody legancy he has left - we also have something else. We have Bushisms!! lol

This past week has been a strange one for me.... I dont quite know how to describe it. I do not know if I have the words.

I would really hate to describe it as my body giving into accumulated depression or something as pitiful as that - or so it seems to me.

I have not been well - with lots of dizziness and light-headedness not to mention nausea. Yet are these actual symptoms or symptoms of something else? something in my head maybe -i dont know...

I really feel like I want to take time off work for a few months and just do nothing - just think, do nothing, just.... be. I want to take time to just be with myself and explore myself and think about what I want to be and who I am.

I just dont know how to do that. How do I discover who I am and learn myself?? Is such exploration even possible??

These are just some of the long winded ramblings of my confused brain....

I dont even know what to say or even if I want to say anything.

My dad told me it was unhealthy how I was acting - but I really couldnt think. I felt, still feel, kinda blanked out and in some kind of stasis. Thought seems hard and planning anything at all seems out of reach. My mind wanders but I could not explain where or over what.

I do not even know what I am thinking. I spent the last week alone at home, not talking to anyone and not doing anything. I spent it lying in bed watching anime I had seen before and zoning out. I even spent time just lying there, doing nothing at all - just staring. I didnt have a thought in my head and even when I tried to think, to come up with something to think of, it just seems liked too much. Too much effort maybe.

I dont know what is. Maybe it is unhealthy. However I dont know how to "snap out of it" as dad says because I do not know how I snapped into it!

Why do I become like this?

I hate to think I am the kind of person who overly dwells in self-pity or self-loathing of any kind and I have always thought that most depressed people are just self-indulgent. Although I am fully aware this is a gross generalisation and true depression does exist. I just think that for me to be depressed is for me to be weak, a weak person and a weak Muslim. Despair is not an Islamic emotion and is definately not healthy.

It made me think of the reasons I could be depressed and when I started counting it off I realised it was many. but then again I felt I was indulging myself in pity and I should just get on with life. Mayb thats the problem - I just get on with life and never actually deal with the root of the problem. Maybe I should do something about that but what?

Like I said when I actually started thinking of the reasons I could have for depression I realised there were quite a few -about 12 or so major ones. I talked it over with a friend I trust - just to make sure I wasnt making a mountain out of a molehill. I wanted to talk to her because I knew she'd tell me I was talking horseshit if I really was - she has before! When listed my reasons make my life sound pretty tired and hard - "a hard life by anyones account" is how she put it.

Is it really? I compare my hardships to those of the people of Gaza or others who have suffered and my years of suffering become so trivial.

BUt they have taken their toll - they must have. I do not honestly think that someone can have been through what I have and have it not taking a toll. Something about me, who I integraly am must have been affected.

I find myself thinking what would be different if such and such an event had never taken place - how different would I be? Wat part of me is the consequence of what event??

I do not even know I am making sense but since this is my blog I am believe I hav the right to ramble in it!

A part of when it hears me talk or think about this stuff just wants to tell me to shut up and put up but another part wants me to somehow, God only knows how, to do something and deal with it somehow.

I just want to know what's wrong with me.

stupid opinions

Just have to rant about this!

I have been fairly obsessing over what is happening in Gaza - its just so awful and justice and peace seem to be so slow. I cant stop thinking about what the poor palestinians have been thru and to make it worse are now going thru!

To make it worse i was chatting to a colleague at work about going down to the national march in London tomorrow (which I hope will be successful and make our gvmt sit up and take notice of our voice & how very much we want this massacre to stop!) when anout colleague (code name P) started debating/discussiong the issue with me.

It totally amazes me how ignorant people can be sometime sand how they will follow and belieave the touted story of Hamas, Palestine and Israel hook line and sinker.

I was not exactly on the ball either as I had just had a really busy day and was totally wiped out. So when he started saying things like "Well what ur gonna do isnt really gonna change anything" and "why bother" it really bugged the hell outta me. I wonder how someone who has lived as long as him and who shud know better by now can have such stupid things to say. I ended up telling him that based on experience the march very well may not have any tangible results however at least I will have done something, something to help and have my voice heard. Not just that but this is a democrasy and this is how we do things. And if enough people decided to come then our gvmt wud HAVE to listen.

but did he want to hear it? oh no! all he picked up on was that "nothing tangible" wud be achieved!

If thats hows Israel operated then everyone wud know the truth about the situation but Israel knows how important the public voice is - why else do u think they are keeping ALL reporters out? Why else have they bombed UN convoys and IRC ambulances - cos they do not want anyone to see what they are doing! If they had such a lazy and defteated attitude they wud not have gotten very far at all!

And to make matters even worse Mr P then says to me, "well if u care so much why dont u just go to Gaza and help!". What an idiot. I told him I wish I cud do that, but I cant get to Gaza - not because i dont want to but israel doesnt really let anyone in - i mean look how they are treating the UN and the IRC for heavens sake! Unlike the fact that anyone with a British passport can go fight for the Israeli army anytime!! talk about hypocritical!

But Mr P did not want to hear it - he had formed his opinions and did not want to hear the truth.

He really really pissed me off - many people hold ignorant and unjustifiable views like hus and ignorance is no excuse.

I really wish I cud go to Gaza and help with the humanitarian effort- help the medics look after the injured and the children. After all, how many hundreds of orphans have been created in this week of conflict alone?? how will they live? feed themselves??

The actions of israel are not just immediate but have far reaching consequences and Palestine will be healing these wounds for decades to come.

ru the enemy?

I was just reading the newspapers to update myself on the Gaza massacre when in the International Heral tribune I came across this:

Palestinian medical officials estimated that the total death toll reached 550 on Monday. The United Nations estimated that about a quarter of those killed were civilians.

Exactly how do they calculate who is civilian and who is Hamas from where they are sat half way around the world? Is the identifying trademark of a Hamasman simply that he carries a gun?! If so, I rather think that many men other than those that are Hamas wud be carrying guns in this war scenario simply to defend their homes and families.

Does the Israeli army have men combing the ruins and burnt out hospitals, schools and homes for men, women and children so they can count how many Hamasmen they have killed?! And if so, how do they know these men are Hamas? Is it tattooed perchance on their forehead?? Or mayb they all have warts on the end of their nose??

550 killed!! 550 lives extinguished... their excuse for this "extremination" is that probably some of these were Hamas??

And I sincerely doubt a quarter of this number were civilians - i am inclined to believe most probably were. For how can u tell a Hamas member from a non-Hamas member toting a gun? Or does carrying a gun in Palestine automatically mean u have joined the Hamas-club?

I am sure that plenty of men who were not previously inclined to carry guns or join Hamas now will - why? Cos they can see that they have no choice. They are, as a country, being slowly exterminated - who wud not pick up a gun in such a situation? Their homes, shops, hospitals, babies, families are all being blown up around them - the right to defend urself and ur loved ones is an essentially human one. Who would not pick up that gun??

Meanwhile the world leaders do absolutely nothing except maybe, maybe, if they are feeling generous say that a ceasefire is required. Ugh, u think?!?!

Why can our world leaders, for once, not just tell Israel to stop this holocaust, this massacre? What is so wrong in telling an oppressor to stop oppressing?? Worl leaders shud be completely ashamed of themselves! There is no justice in their actions and by standing idly by while hundreds die and thousands suffer - they might as well be part of the Israeli army launching missiles into Gaza themselves.

___________

meanwhile, back in Manchester I am back at work and tired. Normally (i.e. the routine i 'established' in the holidays) I wud still be in bed till about 1-2pm!! After having fallen asleep somewhere between 4-6am.... today I had to be awake by 8am at the very latest after having fallen asleep around 3.30am. And as I am getting old, I can feel the effects of this lack of sleep very clearly!
God, I miss my bed!!

Lamees is flying off to Ghana today for three months of charity work there and while I am worried about her - I am also extremely envious as I wanna go too!!!

I am itching to do something different and possibly slightly wild!!

Free free Palestine!

"FREE FREE PALESTINE!" and "STOP THE KILLING, STOP THE HATE; ISRAEL IS A TERRORIST STATE" - just a couple of the chants that rang in my ears at the huge protest/rally today in Manchester. I am positive that these same chants were echoed all over various rallies in the UK and similar ones rang in the ears of my brothers and sisters round the world.

This is the most revent of dozens of marches i hav been on and while i was very glad to see the amazing turn out and to hear of the even better turn out in London, i was sad.

I am sad cos here i am, with my friends, protesting yet again of the inability of the world governments to dispense justice and peace. I have been partcipating in the world peace movements since around 2001, for Afghanistan, for Palestine, for Iraq, for Palestine again, for Iraq again - why does our goverment not listen to the will of its people??

We shud not have to force our governments to dispence peace - it is their duty to do so. Why do we live in a democracy when our voices are ignored? Why do we elect governments when the will of the people is brushed aside is such a patronising way??

Does our goverment think we are stupid?? Do they think that we believe any of this garbage that the BBC and Sky and other stupid news channels are spouting? Rubbish such as the Palestinians deserve what is being dealt to them? That starving families for months, no years, on end is justified? That the bombing of students, policemen, hospitals, schools, universities and houses is in anyway justified??

One must have a heart of solid stone to not bleed at the situation that is in Gaza and indeed in all of Palestine. One must really have lost all vestiges of humanity.

Humankind. Where is our bond of brotherhood? Where is the compassion? The justice? The right to life the world all fought so desperately for in WWII?? What is the point of all this death?

Israel does what it pleases; massacres people constantly, invades and occupies countries as it wills, not just Palestine but Lebanon too and what does the world say?? "Nope - they deserve what they get"?!!? How does this make sense?

Does Gordon Brown think that we as a country are so lacking in intelligence that we will not see thru this facade they have thrown up - this bullshit that the killing of one Israeli is equal to a 1000 Palestinians. Is this the worlds idea of a proportionate response?!

I am horrified to think that I live in a world where such blatant genocide and massacre is deemed to be OK. Have we not learned from previous holocausts? WWII, Rwanda, Kashmir, Chechnya, and Bosnia?

How much death and destruction is enough to satisfy the bloodlust and greed of the world leaders?? How many more have to die?

My ears reverberate with the cries of the children perishing and dying torturous deaths in Gaza through starvation, malnutirition, thirst and bombardment. How can u sit idly by and allow such blatant atrocities to continue??

The people of this country, of the world, need to stand up and say enough. Enough killing, enough war, enough death - peace is what we want. Peace to live in and bring up our children, our future in. Our children, this generation, has seen nothing but death and mayhem - Iraq, Afghanistan, Palestine.... what lessons are we teaching them about life and humanity?? What lessons are they learning??

The British goverment, the US administration, the UN need to stop this. We do not want such a genecide on our consience.

Hasnt Palestine suffered enough at the hands of Israel? Anyone who says that Israel is in the right needs their head examined - and fast. Israel is and always has been a terrorist state and their war-mongering murderous methods are the proof of this.

regardless of whether or not u agree with Hamas they are after all the legally, democratically elected government of Palestine, not even the UN cud pick a fault with that. So it is their right to defend their land and their people.

Palestine is a desperate land - what wud u do if u saw ur country dying painfully around u? If yesterday ur baby died of starvation and today ur entire family died in one of the many Israeli air strikes??

(Left: Protesters in Palestine against the actions of Israel in Gaza)

It is the utmost stupidity to compare the home-made rockets of Hamas to the top-of-the-range American-funded missiles and Apaches helicopters and God-only knows what else of the Israeli army.

The raping, murder and theft of Palestine and its people must stop. It is up to us, as people of this world to bring justice.

So I urge myself and every human out there to get up and DO SOMETHING! Join a demo, a protest, a rally, hold a candlelight vigil, donate money, clothes, food, write to ur MP and the PM... do whatever it takes to bring justice.

Israel should be ashamed of itself - to brutally murder hundreds and thousands of innocents on a whim, to start a massacre on the Jewish sabbath... I fear they have not only lost the basics of humanity but of their own Jewish faith too. They bring shame with their actions to not just Judaism but to the whole of humanity.















Shoes litter Whitehall in London as a protest to Gordon Brown against Israel.

Israel is a sore on the face of this planet - each and every one of us humans MUST be the cure.

What to do??....

At 25 I still do not know what I want to do in this life - I feel like I have no actual passion or ambition. Nothing really stands out to me - no bright neon lit arrow is pointing at a particular destination or career saying "this is it!".

On the way back from someone's house, my dad and my little sis and I were having a conversation in the car about just such a subject and consequently it got me thinking -again! I just dont know what I want to do.

I am applying for teaching and sometimes I think thats what i want to do but I am unsure - what if its not? What if it is yet again something I attempt only to get bored or be unsuccessful at it?
Is it my lot in life to work at bitty, unsatisfying jobs??
Do I even have the courage to attempt some random, possibly exciting direction??

I feel like I have worked pretty hard in my educational career & I have been pretty straight-laced in my life and now I kinda feel like 'where has that got me?!'. U know? I feel like mayb I shud break-out and do something random and damn the consequences!

yet who will probably suffer in the long-run? Me. But then 5 or 10 yrs down the line I do not want to have regrets of 'what ifs' and 'maybes'. I want to do it all, attempt everything I want to and experience this life and this world God has blessed me with to the max.

If only i have the courage and fortitude and maturity to carry it through.

Can I just quit my job and go galavanting abroad?! Cud I have the courage to do it?? I am sooooo tempted!

Lams is going to Ghana for charity for 3 months in January and I am so bloody jealous! I wanna go!!!!!!!!

I want a satisfying, challenging, interesting, socialising career - one that MATTERS. As in one that helps make the world a better place. I want to have fun in my career and know I am helping people.

I want to be an Eco-warrior or look after orphans in Kashmir or save the amazon rainforest. I want to do something I look back on with pride and think 'I did that!'.

But what is this elusive thing I want to do - because I am tempted by so much! there is so much I want to do and experience.... so much of this world I want to see! And its not like I have the money to go off to do many or even any of these things. Being carefree costs money nowadays!

I just wish I had a definate direction in my mind- one that fit everything my heart desires. Whatever that is!

Muslims have fun too...!

I think its time for some fun posts - to celelbrate the good times!! (Alhamdulillah!)

I have been having plenty of good times with my friends and family and thought that this wud be a good time, near the end of the year, to share them and the fun we have had.
All too often people think that Muslims, especially female muslims, have no fun and are trapped at home bored, incomplete, unfulfilled, and trapped. I think that while there may be some or many that are like this - we have to acknowledge that this is not the case for many.

My friends and I may be different or the exception but we are definately here and we are having FUN! There is nothing in our Islam that stops us from having fun.
Moreover, Islam is not a doom and gloom religion and is not here to make life hard. Why shouldnt we have fun and live life to the max?! Allah has blessed us with life, we shud be grateful and in our gratitude live it to the full.

Often people are surprised when they meet me or my friends. They do not expect us as muslim girls to be confident, articulate nevermind funloving socialisers! We love to go out and hav fun - in a halal way of course!

In this spirit, i want to put some pics here that show that we are mad, a little bad and we have a laugh.


Left: Me and Shules - or rather me attempting to eat Shules head cos she wasnt coming out with us!



Me and the girls on a nite out and having a laugh:












Trying out blonde wigs.... hours of fun guarenteed if u use little bit of imagination:
















Even work nite outs can be fun if u allow for a bit of craziness (aka me!):






Even random peacock feathers found in friends cars provide entertainment!










There are many many more pictures that show what I good time I have been having Alhamdulillah.

There is not doubt that life contains many hard times but when the good times roll, roll with them!! This too is a barakah or a blessing from Allah, The Almighty.

simple pleasures

It seems to me that the simple pleasures we have in this life often hold the most importance - a good book, a nice meal, comfortable shoes and most importantly having your family around you.

Its 3am in the morning and it just occured to me a few seconds ago how now nice and...... comforting it is to have my father and sister sleeping in the adjacent rooms. Nothing complicated - just having them near is such a blessing.

I dont know if I am weird for always wanting my family near - mayb it is a side-effect of my childhood or losing my mother or something else but I like having my family close. I like knowing what they are up to and if they are ok.

Its such a pleasure to have my father and my little sister here, sleeping comfortably - knowing they are ok, knowing they are here with me makes me content and happy.



I wish families would get along better and communicate.

Better communication would cure so many evils - i just cannot understand why people do not talk more. Its so simple and yet will aid understanding so much!

For now, my little nuclear family is working Alhamdulillah - I am content =D

unknown hopes & dreams

Have u ever felt like there was something inside u crying??

Sometimes I just want to cry... I dont have a reason, nothing in particular is making me cry - but I feel this pressure in my chest and I wanna cry. I cant describe the feeling - its not exactly sadness, it feels more profound. Through the day I can feel the pressure building and I wanna scream with it and really let it rip. (lol)

I dont know what this feeling is - this heaviness in my heart. What is the cure for this unsettling feeling??

It feels sad, depressing, overwhelming, tearful, wet, clawing, heavy and needy.

Like something inside me in calling out to this empty world - for something. Something.

Is it for unknown hopes and dreams? Things desired that cannot be verbalised or vocalised??

I was just speaking to a friend who is going through such a painful and hard time - May Allah relieve her pain & suffering & may she pass through this test a stronger and better Muslim, ameen. I admire her strength and patience - I do not know if I could be as patient or persevere as she is - may Allah reward her!

Suddenly I feel so lost and small. Lost in this darkness around me. I need... something.

I'll dream about better days, for me and my friends. I will remember cheer and reject despair. I will and slowly this feeling will disappear till next time.

I want to be strong of heart and of will, I want to be a good sister to all those who know me, I want to achieve my goals, and fulfill my dreams... I guess the only one who can make any of that happen is me.

To be strong I have to BE strong, to have will I have to enforce it on myself....

Either way - I'm still standing :-)

And I'm still watching lots of anime (yay!) - its One Piece that I'm onto now while I wait for more Bleach and Naruto to pile up so I can watch it all in one go!

One Piece is very different in its look to Naruto or Bleach - that smoothness or i guess coolness isnt there -but the storyline IS interesting, as are the concepts. It has taken about 90 episodes for me to really get into it but :-D whats a girl to do!!

More more!!!!!!!!!!

Sometimes I think I am totally weird and that my body is even weirder than I am - therfore compounding the problem!
Yesterday I was so very sleepy and lethargic at work; it got to the point where I really couldnt let myself sit down for very long or I wud have fallen asleep! and that wud NOT have impressed the boss-lady.

While I was kinda out of it and feeling like parts of me were about to float off I remembered a friend.I have not seen in friend in almost 10 years and I miss her a lot. She is someone who shaped my childhood and stood by me when I needed support and lent me her shoulder to cry on.
Why was I thinking of her? Well the thought of this friend were brought on by thinking of another friend who is having problems with her fiance being an idiot; and to top it off her mother was making it harder for her to decide what to do. Anyways it was this that started the memory neurons firing...

You see this friend I was remembering was my mother. Looking back on it I realise she was the best friend of my childhood. I have so many good, amazing memories of her and so I realise I was blessed. I remember chilly mornings and playing with her in front of the warming flames of fireplace. I remember silly birthday presents and stupid outfits she made us wear.
I remember the first pair of heels she bought me (I hurt myself in them and she proved her point! lol ). I remember freezing nights when she wud let me crawl into her bed and snuggle so I could get warm. i remember all these things and more - I remember how kind, giving and generous a mother and friend she was and I thank God for the time I had with her.

I will never be able to hav another argument with her or be told off by her. I will never introduce any more new friends to her or tell her about my new job or my plans or what i want to do today, tomorrow and in my life. I won't be able to talk to her about the guy I want to marry or have her help me plan a wedding (should there be one!). I will never have another conversation with her about good looking guys (yes even then we talked about this stuff!)...

But.... thats ok. I miss her, I want her to be here with me but the fact that she is not is... OK. I accept it as the way things are.
So this is not some whining or complaining that I dont have my mother but rather just saying i miss her and talking about some of the thoughts going through by head.

Alternatively, I am still immersed in Bleach Anime and it has got more interesting tho its format has got slightly disjointed and confusing but you know me! I gotta know what happens next!!!!

anime-ation!

So recently I have developed a full on addiction, dare I say it, obsession with Anime.

Altho, anime has always been something i loved I'v just never got round to seeing all those series properly that i wanted to and somehow I got jump started and started watching Naruto.

Wow.

Truly love. lol - seriously I watched that programme every spare moment I had. rarely do I have such a strong reaction to tv -usually if i get obsessed its over books. But I have finally caught the anime wave! completely and totally caught it.

I really love the character of Naruto who is so hard working and dedicated in the face of so much adversity - he's just so damn huggable and lovable! The character progression is as wonderful as the plot and it has some really funny moments that I love - especially when Rock Lee gets a wee bit drunk!

And kakashi.... I really REALLY wanna see whats under that mask! no seriously - REALLY REALLY wanna see! lol

My obsession with Naruto only waned cos in around 2 weeks i watched 10 yrs worth of it! (bloody hell -i know!) And truth be told, I am still fairly obsessed with it but I am one of those people who hate waiting, and waiting for it to be released every week is more than I can bear. So I shall attempt to build up another pile of them before I commence gorging once more!

Am watching Bleach now and while it is good I do not feel it is at the level of Naruto - it just leaves something to be desired but I am informed that it improves.

So I am obsessively watching anime and loving it and its leaving very little time for anything else in my life.
:-)
Ahhh - joy.

I have so much more I wanna watch.... Death note, Akira, Dragon Ballz to name but a couple! More time is required - but I am determined woman and I shall make the time!

lol

Oh and why is it that there are so many fit guys in Anime??? its totally unrealistic and raised ur hopes unnecessarily! NO FAIR!!!

fermaish...

As women I think we are all inculcated and brain washed into thinking there is something wrong with our bodies - our entire economy relies upon this belief.

However, I think that it is also natural; just as almost ALL men seem to believe they are God's own gift to women, when usually nothing can be further from the truth, most woman hate some part of their body.

I have been trying my damndest to start a fitter lifestyle; i dont call it healthier because that implies what u were eating was unhealthy and I think I was OK in that department. But fitter cos, well , I was and am really UNfit. So... I'm attempting to run, sakip, hop, lunge, starjump, stretch, sit up my way into a fitter body. Hopefully, it'll work -and fast! Insha'Allah!

unfortunately it seems to me that all those in the persuit of a more perfect body already have on ei'd be kinda happy with! Look at all this people jogging outside or in the gym - they are all thin! and toned! and possible, just possibly, they also have a better tan!
People like that need to get kicked outta gyms - they make people like me depressed! What the hell are u doing in a gym?!?!

Anyways, instead of whining and whinging about how much I hate my body I did something about it instead - oh yeh!

I made a poster! lol - hope it helps in expressing what i feel (and i'm sure i'm not alone!)

Long time, no see

My current role at MMPS has got to be my longest running post in terms of a job; today I went for a job interview somewhere for a post which was more in-keeping with my longterm plans.

It has been too long since I have been on that side of an interview or that nervous! I am usually never nervous except about silly things like "what if all the buses break down and I'm late?" or "what if i trip and fall right infront of the panel of interviewers?!" - but this time I was just plain nervous.

I just hope I get the job and it is the best thing for my future - I also hope it involves a pay rise (i cud do with one!).

As i walked around the campus, being shown around, I cudnt help thinking that a lot of the student population were asian. And a lot of the guys were just the kind I spent most of my uni life avoiding!
If i do get the job, InshaAllah, then i will have to get over my personal foibles....

lol