studying

Ohhh.... 2 days left till exams begin and the panic is well and truly set in. I just pray I pass everything, Isha'allah - that would mean that the 10-12 hours straight of revision everyday have not gone to waste. For help with that:

DUA BEFORE STUDYING

Allahumma infa'nii bimaa          O Allah! Make useful for me what You
'allamtanii wa'allimnii           taught me and teach me knowledge
maa yanfa' unii.                  that will be useful to me.

Allahumma inii as'aluka           O Allah! I ask You for the understanding
fahmal-nabiyyen wa hifthal        of the prophets and the memory of the
mursaleen al-muqarrabeen.         messengers, and those nearest to You.

Allahumma ijal leesanee           O Allah! Make my tongue full of
'amiran bi thikrika wa            Your remembrance, and my heart with
qalbi bi khashyatika.             consciousness of You.

Innaka 'ala ma-tasha'-u           (O Allah!) You do whatever You wish,
qadeer wa anta hasbun-allahu      and You are my Availer and
wa na'mal wakeel.                 Protector and the best of aid.

DUA AFTER STUDYING

Allahhumma inni astaodeeuka       O Allah! I entrust You with what I
ma qara'tu wama hafaz-tu.         have read and I have studied.
Faradduhu 'allaya inda            (O Allah!) Bring it back to me when
hagati elayhi.                    I am in need of it.
Innaka 'ala ma-tasha'-u           (O Allah!) You do whatever You wish,
qadeer wa anta hasbeeya           and You are my Availer and
wa na'mal wakeel.                 Protector and the best of aid.

DUA WHILE STUDYING SOMETHING DIFFICULT

Allahumma la sahla illama         O Allah! Nothing is easy except what
ja-'altahu sahla wa anta taj      You have made easy. If You wish, You
'alu al hazana etha shi'ta        can make the difficult easy.
sahla

DUA FOR ANXIETY

Allahumma inni a'oodhoo bika       O Allah! I seek refuge in You from anxiety
minal-hammi walhuzni, wal-'ajzi    and sorrow, weakness and laziness,
wal-kasali wal-bukhli wal-jubni,   miserliness and cowardice, the burden of
wa dal'id-dayni wa ghalabatir-     debts and from being oppressed by men.
rajaal 

DUA FOR DISTRESS

Allahumma rahmataka arjoo falaa    O Allah! It is Your mercy that I hope for
takilnee ilaa nafsee tarfata       so do not leave me in charge of my affairs
'aynin wa aslih-lee sha'nee        even for a blink of an eye and rectify
kullahu, laa ilaha illa anta       for me all of my affairs. None has the
                                 right to be worshipped except You.

A friend in need...

... is a friend indeed.

I think we normally dont question our friendships or our friends - but what is a friend?How can friendship be defined?

For me a friend is someone you can feel comfortable, someone with whom there doesnt need to be a pretense, someone who you can have loud, insane fun with but can also sit quietly and enjoy the solitute. Sometimes different friends will occupy different needs and roles.

But the one thing that absolutely makes a friend in someone who is there for you when you need it - no matter what the need is; a cup of sugar, a shoulder to cry on, a lift, help of any kind... if they can provide it they do. No buts, no excuses.

A friend is never too busy in your time of need.

'A Muslim should love for his brother what he loves for himself' - thats the Islam I was brought up with. You do unto others as you would like done unto you - anything less is unsatisfactory, a copout.

High standards indeed. Maybe too high.

I have become increasingly cynical, jaded and bitter as my life has progressed - not people people can understand my concepts of trust and loyalty. They seem too alien, too rigid, too deep for this world, this society we occupy.

I am wary of the constant disappointments of people - trusting someone, a friend, is a big thing. the lesson life keeps teaching me is never to actually have high expecatations of anyone - no one is to be trusted.
Even those to be trusted can only be trusted to a certain degree.

Loyalty is not guaranteed. Even by family. Trust no one.

On one level this seems straighforward enough - its the lessons life has continuously taught me - I may finally be learning this lesson.

On the other hand, its so contrary to my actual personality. I am a natural optimist, fun-loving idealist - this is not me.

Except, now it kinda is.

Maybe its the enforced isolation of this course - trapped in a room studying constantly, no socialising - not even regular fone conversations.

Sometimes it doesnt feel like anyone is out there. Slowly, it seems to matter less and less....

another poem of the heart

The Night is Darkening Around Me by Emily Bronte

The night is darkening round me,
The wild winds coldly blow ;
But a tyrant spell has bound me,
And I cannot, cannot go.

The giant trees are bending
Their bare boughs weighed with snow ;
The storm is fast descending,
And yet I cannot go.

Clouds beyond clouds above me,
Wastes beyond wastes below ;
But nothing drear can move me :
I will not, cannot go.

Your children are not your children.
They are the sons and daughters of Life's longing for itself.
They come through you but not from you,
and though they are with you, yet they belong not to you.
You may give them your love, but not your thoughts.
For they have their own thoughts.
You may house their bodies but not their souls,
for their souls dwell in the house of tomorrow,
which you cannot visit, not even in your dreams.
You may strive to be like them, but seek not to make them like you.
For life goes not backward, nor tarries with yesterday.

--Kahlil Gibran

Insomnia

Its just another night where I am unable to sleep - why these nights are like this and whether there is a pattern to them I dont know. What I do know is, sometimes insomnia is useful and sometimes it is blatantly NOT. Like now. Tomorrow I have an important test at uni and at what am i doing at 1.45am? writing my blog while I should be asleep. How to get to sleep, now that is the problem!
One of the worst things about insomnia is what to do to fill the time...normally I'd read or watch a movie.... usually after some time spent trying to convince my mind to switch off and sleep. I tried especially hard tonight cos of that test tomorrow but I dont seem to be having too much luck.

So I watched a movie - New Moon. Now I am not a fan of these movies; I think they are generally badly made, with mediocre acting and really really cheesy scripting. Nor do they make any sense unless you have read the book. Anyway, due to all the fuss I thought an insomniac night would be a good time to have a look - if it was crap, at least it might send me to sleep.

Surprisingly I kinda enjoyed it - though admittedly not because its a good movie or that the acting is any better. Its just..... some of the scenery is rather fine. If you know what I mean :-D

So now I am sleepy, not properly prepared for this paper tomorrow and wondering why I cant be slim and fit..... and wondering why I cant have one of those!! lol

I am also getting stressed. Exams are only a week or so away and I have only managed to fit in minimal revision so far. I work and I work and the time just seems to get away from me. Where does it all go???

I just pray I do well in the course and pass all my exams, tests, everything with flying colours!

dad

I came home from Stoke yesterday and was sooooooooooo tired!! teaching is hard work - mentally exhausting but so so satisfying!! Alhamdulillah :-)

Had a kind of heart to heart with Dad last night - just randomly talking and throwing out ideas and comments.... it was really good. Can't think if and when we've ever really done that before - I actually felt like we connected which I dont think we have ever done in this way before.

A beautiful moment in my life.

Dunya

So think on this:

When you sit with people of the dunya, you become a drop in their ocean, but when you sit with people of the akhira, the dunya becomes a drop in your ocean.

a friend in need...

is a friend indeed.

May Allah reward them!

A friend who is there for you through the bad times, no matter how numerous, is a friend for the ages! And a friend who shares ur love of coffee and a good chat.... even if it is over the fone, is invaluable!

To all the memories and good times - thank you. :-)

help me

Ever had moments where it feels like the whole world has gone mad?

Madness seeps in.

It takes over.

Colours the moments in the colours of rage, anger and bewilderment.

The heart beats fast.

I can feel the blood rushing through my veins.

The heat.

The cold.

The shock.

I feel the flesh hitting my flesh.

I feel that very pain in my heart.

And I know, in this moment, something has broken. It can never be repaired or reclaimed.

It is gone.

My heart breaks all over again.

I sit in the quiet that is loud, the drums sounding in my ear. The blood rushes, gushes, moves.

I sit.

I wait for understanding.

It doesnt come.

Tears leak, they rage, they scream - nothing changes.

I bleed. I rage. I scream. Nothing changes.

I dont want to be here. I dont want to be anywhere. I want to leave this place. This world. I want to begone.

I hate myself.

I finally realise you hate me too.

a poet's thought

“Had I the heavens' embroidered cloths, Enwrought with golden and silver light, The blue and the dim and the dark cloths Of night and light and the half-light, I would spread the cloths under your feet: But I, being poor, have only my dreams; I have spread my dreams under your feet; Tread softly because you tread on my dreams.” (Yeats)

This piece of beautiful writing never fails to capture me and bring a tear to my eye. How he captures and encapsulates that feeling, that hope, in such simple words. Profound. The visual creativity of this poem is astounding and I think I will love it forever.

busy-ness

I have been so incredibly busy these past few weeks on my new course at uni - Chemistry..... its so much to take in and its not necessarily hard just too much to do in not enought time.

I am pretty much always feeling sleep deprived and tired.... which is why I gave myself the afternoon off today cos I ws feeling so ill. Insha'allah I do plan to fit some work in this evening; plus I'm not going home so that gives me the entire weekend too.

I just hope and pray I am successful and that I do well and that i get my PGCE next year - I do not want to have tortured myself with Chemistry for no reason!!

-

is lost but if I'm lucky - someone will find me.

what is achieveable throught the human spirit

While I was sat feeling all gloomy and stressed about my inability to grasp the basic chemistry being taught me at my new chemistry course at uni - my dad sent me this video and it totally made me cry. Its a true testiment to what is achieveable throught the human spirit - and for the love of God, if they can do that then I can do well on my flamin course!!! (Insha'allah!):

So anyway READ THIS and then watch the video below:

A son asked his father, 'Dad, will you take part in a marathon with me?'
The father who, despite having a heart condition, says 'Yes'.
They went on to complete the marathon together.
Father and son went on to join other marathons, the father always saying 'Yes' to his son's request of going through the race together.
One day, the son asked his father, 'Dad, let's join the Ironman together.'
To which, his father said 'Yes' too.

For those who don't know, Ironman is the toughest triathlon ever.
The race encompasses three endurance events of a 2.4 mile (3.86kilometer) ocean swim, followed by a 112 mile (180.2 kilometer) bike
ride, and ending with a 26.2 mile (42..195 kilometer) marathon along the coast of the Big Island, Hawaii.
Father and son went on to complete the race together. View this race at.....

A Student once more

This week I started university - again.

On Sunday Naima and I moved to an area in Stoke-on-Trent in preparation for starting K-University. Its a preparation course in Chemistry for our PGCE next year.

I was very excited for months - since I knew I had the place. It was gonna be a new opportunity, hope for a better future (Insha'allah) and would hopefully lead me to a career that I would love and enjoy and would challenge me constantly.

However as the date approached I grew more and more nervous - what if i didnt do well? what if I failed? What if I was terrible at Chemistry and everything else? What if I made some horrendous mistake? what if after all this - this was not for me??? Thousands of questiosn whizzed round my head but I had no answers for my own mind.

I got on the train and just hoped for the best.

I've been attending uni since Monday and its been pretty standard methinks - its introductory lectures, easing us into it all.... possibly the calm before the storm??? I shall find out!!

I just hope and pray I do well, even excell in the course and all my hopes and dreams come true about having a career I love and one where I make a useful and beneficial impact on the children I teach, the future.

The house in which I live is pretty standard, even slightly better than normal student digs but I am totally treating it like student digs - my concentration is going to be on studying not being at home or "cosy" in my room. As long as its warm and dry with internet, I'mm pretty happy :-)

Another experience of the week has been the weather - it has been unbelievably cold. I swear I have not been so cold in daytime EVER. Its painful being out and it literally takes a few hours for the hands and feet to defrost even though I'm wearing layers upon layers!

It snowed all day today and we live on a hill which is totally iced over - we have to walk to the bus stop and it feels like we are risking our lives for education everyday. We really are!!

Its an adventure!!!

Make your day a Shay day

I received this inspirational story in an email and wanted to share it with everyone:

Two Choices

What would you do?....you make the choice. Don't look for a punch line, there isn't one. Read it anyway. My question is: Would you have made the same choice?

At a fundraising dinner for a school that serves children with learning disabilities, the father of one of the students delivered a speech that would never be forgotten by all who attended. After extolling the school and its

dedicated staff, he offered a question:

'When not interfered with by outside influences, everything nature does, is done with perfection.

Yet my son, Shay, cannot learn things as other children do. He cannot understand things as other children do.

Where is the natural order of things in my son?'



The audience was stilled by the query.



The father continued. 'I believe that when a child like Shay, who was mentally and physically disabled comes into the world, an opportunity to realize true human nature presents itself, and it comes in the way other people treat that child.'

Then he told the following story:



Shay and I had walked past a park where some boys Shay knew were playing baseball. Shay asked, 'Do you think they'll let me play?' I knew that most of the boys would not want someone like Shay on their team, but as a father I also understood that if my son were allowed to play, it would give him a much-needed sense of belonging and some confidence to be accepted by others in spite of his handicaps.



I approached one of the boys on the field and asked (not expecting much) if Shay could play. The boy looked around for guidance and said, 'We're losing by six runs and the game is in the eighth inning. I guess he can be on our team and we'll try to put him in to bat in the ninth inning.'



Shay struggled over to the team's bench and, with a broad smile, put on a team shirt. I watched with a small tear in my eye and warmth in my heart. The boys saw my joy at my son being accepted.

In the bottom of the eighth inning, Shay's team scored a few runs but was still behind by three.

In the top of the ninth inning, Shay put on a glove and played in the right field. Even though no hits came his way, he was obviously ecstatic just to be in the game and on the field, grinning from ear to ear as I waved to him from the stands.

In the bottom of the ninth inning, Shay's team scored again.

Now, with two outs and the bases loaded, the potential winning run was on base and Shay was scheduled to be next at bat.



At this juncture, do they let Shay bat and give away their chance to win the game?

Surprisingly, Shay was given the bat. Everyone knew that a hit was all but impossible because Shay didn't even know how to hold the bat properly, much less connect with the ball.

However, as Shay stepped up to the

plate, the pitcher, recognizing that the other team was putting winning aside for this moment in Shay's life, moved in a few steps to lob the ball in softly so Shay could at least make contact.

The first pitch came and Shay swung clumsily and missed.

The pitcher again took a few steps forward to toss the ball softly towards Shay.

As the pitch came in, Shay swung at the ball and hit a slow ground ball right back to the pitcher.



The game would now be over.

The pitcher picked up the soft grounder and could have easily thrown the ball to the first baseman.

Shay would have been out and that would have been the end of the game.



Instead, the pitcher threw the ball right over the first baseman's head, out of reach of all team mates.

Everyone from the stands and both teams started yelling, 'Shay, run to first!

Run to first!'

Never in his life had Shay ever run that far, but he made it to first base.

He scampered down the baseline, wide-eyed and startled.



Everyone yelled, 'Run to second, run to second!'

Catching his breath, Shay awkwardly ran towards second, gleaming and struggling to make it to the base.

B y the time Shay rounded towards second base, the right fielder had the ball . the smallest guy on their team who now had his first chance to be the hero for his team.

He could have thrown the ball to the second-baseman for the tag, but he understood the pitcher's intentions so he, too, intentionally threw the ball high and far over the third-baseman's head.

Shay ran toward third base deliriously as the runners ahead of him circled the bases toward home.



All were screaming, 'Shay, Shay, Shay, all the Way Shay'



Shay reached third base because the opposing shortstop ran to help him by turning him in the direction of third base, and shouted, 'Run to third!

Shay, run to third!'



As Shay rounded third, the boys from both teams, and the spectators, were on their feet screaming, 'Shay, run home! Run home!'

Shay ran to home, stepped on the plate, and was cheered as the hero who hit the grand slam and won the game for his team



'That day', said the father softly with tears now rolling down his face, 'the boys from both teams helped bring a piece of true love and humanity into this world'.



Shay didn't make it to another summer. He died that winter, having never forgotten being the hero and making me so happy, and coming home and seeing his Mother tearfully embrace her little hero of the day!

new years eve 2009

Its New Years Eve and friends are supposed to be coming over - dinner is in the oven, the house is warm and relatively crap movies are on the TV.

Except the friends are not here yet - and I'm not thinking about it as I'll get very annoyed at either their lack of punctuality or their lack of manners or both. I hate it when people do this and they do it far far faaaaaaaar to often.

Anyway I'm gonna just concentrate on my dinner - which will be yummy once cooked - cos I do not wanna be pissed off when 2010 come in.

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.
.
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Most of them turned up eventually that night :-) (in time for dinner - typical! lol)

What I'd like for the house

Ok I was asked to make a list of stuff I want for the house so here goes:

1) Food Processor:

I like:

- Kenwood: Price: £62.99
www.pixmania.co.uk; 08700 118 117

- Breville Price: £78.29
www.argos.co.uk; 0845 640 2020

- Kenwood Food Processor FP580
~£50

The best seems to be:
-Magimix food processor 3200

2) Vases:

- http://www.lauraashley.com/Vases+Bowls/RUSTIC-FLORAL-VASE/invt/3438528

Ok there were not many nice vases out there - at least not that I cud see!!

Ok, I CANNOT be bothered listing them in an organised way so the following is just stuff I like and wud want (click on the links):

- pans
- grater
- knives
- Kenwood chrome multi
- pans
- knives
- pans
- sharpner
- timer
- dish rack
- brush
- spice rack
- Royal Dalton China Dinner set
- Dinner set
- vase
- vase
- cups&saucers


ok I think thats it for now - I'm getting very carried away but a girl can dream, right?? lol

New House

First things first - the mice seems to have disappeared and Lamees has a funky new hair style!!

I'm enjoying being in the new house and its slowly but surely taking shape - most of the painting has been done upstairs and my room is almost ready. We're slowly getting to know out house, all the little ins and outs :-)

Will be starting uni in January - thats quite daunting and exciting at the same time! I cant wait to be a student again - there is such a hopeful something about being a student! :-)

So anyways - the below are bedroom looks that inspire me:












Ok I want this bedroom - see here!


Next..... what stuff I'd like in the house ;-)

moments

Life can sometimes seem like a series of incredibly profound moments - moments of realisation of some truth, either big or small, personal or universal.

Some truths are obvious to all such as "I love my cat" or "I like fast cars" or "I hate my job" others are harder to come by and the road to these moments can be long and arduous.

I like to think of someone who is tough and cynical - able to make hard choices when needed. Yet I also know I am incredibly sensitive, especially to what certain people think of me. I'd like to think I am a nice, well-rounded (well, I am physically!) person - generally well liked and well thought of by everyone. But how do you know for certain?How can I be sure I am a good person?

I think I am. I think I generally behave pretty well, I generally make the good choice, I try to think of others before myself.... the fact that I try makes me a good person, right? I hope so!

I would like someone totally unbiased to tell me what they think of me after they meet me and then offer me some really good, clear constructive criticism. I'd like it even more if they just told be I was "fine". I dont need to be incredible, or wonderful, or beautiful, or amazing - though I'd like to be of course - I just want to be good.

Is that silly or incredibly naive?

I think what I'd really like is to know myself definatively, absolutely and I really dont think I do. I'm mystery to myself half the time.

On a different note - I cried at the possible death of a mouse today. Yes people we have a slight mouse problem in the new house - apparently the old owner had housemates he neglected to mention and didnt seem to be bothered about.

They are cute little mice. I know I know - it freaked me out too the first day I saw them run across my floor. Made me spill HOT tea all over myself - made me feel all hyper-alert and scared. It also made me laugh cos I have never before behaved like such a girl - squealing and jumping around like a mad woman!

Anyway - my sister seems to take an unholy delight in tracking them down and scaring the life out of them. I, on the other hand, want them gone but cannot seem to tolerate the idea of causing them pain. I know - its stupid but just the thought of them being killed in some horrific way just seems so needlessly cruel. I'd rather just have them gone and deny them re-entry into the house by finding and blocking all points of entry. In a few days, teh traps will have done their job and all holes etc will have been blocked and we shall be mouse -free.

I think I'll always feel a little guilty though. I imagine little mouse babies missing their missing parents and starving to death, little mice freezing to death outside (cos sister dearest tossed them out), mice dying in bins (tossed out again), burnt alive in the fire place, poisoned etc etc etc

Horrible.

Ahhh - the new life experiences we gain through life..... lol

A new home

I still keep looking around me and thinking "Oh my God, we have a house!". Its been almost 3 weeks since we moved in and its still a work in progress and maybe because of that I still have not completely settled into recognising the fact that we are homeowners now. This is a first for us since we moved to England and its a huge step.

At the same time, I dont feel weird or out of place - its home :-)

I've been painting some of the rooms upstairs as the colour scheme did leave something to be desired! Lamees's room is complete, as is Dads - and I have painted the toilet, well everything except the ceiling! That leaves my room and then downstairs.

But I'm exhausted - my legs and arms kill from all the painting. I have been up and down ladders all week and I cannot take anymore! I dont even like heights! And the ladder wobbles a lot!
Anyway, I've decided to give myself the rest of the week off :-)

I would put up some pics but my laptop is not connecting to the Internet for some reason - some stupid error..... I want it FIXED!!!! I am praying very hard that it fixes itself - I cannot afford to take it to be fixed! :-(

Anyways, I fell down the stairs today - its the second time I'v done this in the new house. Welcome home ;-)

A new beginning?

Last night was the first night in my new house.

Last Friday was Eid Ul-Adha and we spend it eating with family - thats the Muslim tradition for Eid. Eating.

It was fun as we had our cousin, Nav, come from America to visit and we hadnt seen in her in years! It was a strange kind of Eid, a bit surreal as not only did we have Nav here but also recieved the keys to our new house. A new beginning was beginning - it was a happy time. For once the family was together, happy and with no friction. We had a lot of laughs, even managed to fit in some crazy moments in between the eating!

On Saturday the big move began; the packing, the shifting, the moving stuff across. Dad had rented a big white van and back and forth we went. Its incredible how much STUFF one has just to live - and I dont even consider us particularly well supplied! We don't hoard or buy excessively - where did all this stuff come from?! But nevertheless we filled boxes (admittedly a lot of it was mine but I refuse to feel guilty; I just lived a broad and fulfilled life!).

Yesterday we took the last of the stuff across after work - poor Lam had spent the whole day cleaning the flat. She cleaned and she cleaned - we're not dirty and not even messy but the dust appeared regardless.

Last night - we finally moved into the first house we've ever really had together as a family. It was an awesome feeling and a few times I caught myself with the urge to jump up and down in excitement.

We've still got lots of moving to do and no furniture or furnishings except for some sofas (which I love!) - we dont even have curtains! But all thats secondary cos we have a house! Yay!

I'll put some put some pictures up soon of us moving and the house.

Just remember us in your prayers and duas - Insha'allah everything will go well.

Am very happy right now!

so whats it gonna be?

Sometimes making a decision is easy - it doesn't even really require thought as its instinctive. What ice cream flavour do I want? What season do I like better? Where would I like to go tonight?
And some decisions require a lot of thought and a lot of prayer. They are hard because they are complicated or have far reaching effects.

I am trying my best to be decisive but its hard. On one hand, I think I know what to do - but on the other, my subconscious is giving me nightmares. Literally. I dont know if its connected or whether I'm just having too much sugar before bed, or something equally silly!

What is my subconscious trying to tell me, if anything?

What do I do and how do I make a decision??

Its 2am and I cant go back to sleep because I had an awful nightmare about spiders and cockroaches and flesh-eating...... connect the rest yourself.

I dont like it when anything interrupts my sleep - its a "sacred"! lol

Live in PEACE

see link:

Live in PEACE

Autumn into Winter

Somehow the year is passing and autumn has turned very quickly into winter. I'm left wondering where all the days have gone and what I have done with them. It didn't seem like we had a whole lot of autumn - it just seemed to get a tad chilly and then skipped straight into FREEZING!! I've taken to wearing about 5 layers on the way to work - its far too early and therefore far too cold when I leave for work in the morning.

So instead of writing about autumn and winter, I thought I'd post some random photos I've taken along my travels to and from work to get the picture across:

These are of the foggy mornings on my way to work:









And the autumn leaves:

British. Muslim. Proud of it.

First and foremost I am a Muslim woman - nothing can change that. I am proudly Muslim and not at all ashamed of my beliefs.

Like many Muslim women in this and other countries, I dress in the way that is recommended by my faith. This means covering up everything except my hands and face; except when in the comfort of my own house, in the company of other women or in front of men I cannot marry.

I am also British. There is nothing that can change that either. Nor do I want it changed. Being British is part of who I am.

I'd like to discuss my Muslim and British identity with every person in the world who feels like the very idea I can be both is confusing and some who seems to have gotten completely the wrong idea.

In an age where people like the BNP (British National Party) get elected to represent the people of Britain in Europe - a party that has long been known to be racist, white-supremicist, Islamaphobic and aggressive- these issues need to be discussed. A party that has a known connection to violent, racist and Nazi gangs in the past few decades. And its not just them, more and more propaganda is spewed out by many about myths surrounding Islam, its women - people from all walks of society have all sorts of views and many of them are completely incorrect and ignorant.

Islam and women is even on Wikipaedia!! See: link

I cannot dispell all the myths about Islam - and I cannot hope to even alter everyones views but I hope that those who I talk to or meet I can help understand a little bit more about Islam and a lot more about Islam and women.

Please read the rest of it, titles "Just some of the reasons why I am not opressed" on: my Hubpage

Random thoughts

I want to go to Japan and visit Mount Fuji and see the famous gardens and meet a samurai and learn martial arts, learn how to throw a knife and how to complete a roundhouse kick. I want ot have a cat, one who has fur the colour of blue- gray smoke and eyes that dark and round - that sparkle and scare you in a dark room.
I want to stroke a cheetah, a tiger and cuddle a lion cub.
I want to swim with a shark and come out alive just so I can say I did.

I want to visit places in Britain that have weird names and all those pretty places that dont.

I want to be able to bake yummy cakes and make them look pretty too.

I want to have a motorbike and drive it on winding roads at 150mph.

I want to learn how to drive, get a city car and start going places.

I want to tour Kashmir, India and Pakistan -while they are still there.

I want to visit Siberia, Iceland and Greenland before the ice melts and they disappear.

I want to save the world.

I want to explore all the Anime and manga out there and enjoy it. I want to learn Japanese so I understand it completely (cos I dont alwys trust the subs!)

I want to learn Arabic so I know what the Arabs say (!), so I can understand myself and my religion better and take my faith to new levels.

I want to buy a round the world ticket and spend as much time as I want exploring every country in the world.

I want a kitten to cuddle right now.

I want crunchy nut cornflakes for breakfast - but we've run out.

I want the world and especially Muslims to grow up, be nice and have some common sense - we all have to live together so just get on with it. What is with all the squabbling?! (also called wars)

I want justice for all those who suffer from injustice.

I want to be able to wear high heels again.

I want thigh high leather boots and a tattoo of a dragon on my shoulder going up my neck to my ear and I want African braided hair.

I want people to understand that without Planet Earth we CANNOT exist - so stop being so stupid! Our economies, which are already collapsing, will mean NOTHING if there is no world to live in! Climate change matters - so recycle, walk to work or school, recycle some more, think think think!

We are running out of time.

I like my Manic Pink Nail polish.

I like the Scottish accent.

I like rugby over football, tennis, cricket and even ping pong over football.

I dont care if United lost. It doesnt matter.

While I'v been writing this 1000s of children have died due to famine, wars, malnutrition, AIDS, murder,genocide, war, lack of clean drinking water, malaria, diorrhoea, cholera, polia etc etc.

I am one insignificant part of the whole of mankind - but if I take just one step, just ONE, in the right direction I can be as brave and as honourable as Malcolm X, Martin Luther King, Mohammed Ali, Ghandi or Mother Theresa.

I do NOT want to be like Dianna Princess of Wales.

I want chocolate.

Fascists on my TV

I never thought in my life time the fascists would get a mainstream platform; I never thought I'd see the day when someone like Nick Griffin is on TV defending his views; it makes me sad to see such times and angry because we let this happen.

There has been a whole load of fuss these past few weeks since everyone found out NIck Griffin was going to be on TV, on Question Time, on "OUR" BBC. For quite some time I couldn't make up my mind whether or not he should be allowed to be on there. Afterall he is a well known racist, a fascist, Islamaphobe and holocaust denier - why give him a platform to publicise his views? Why allow him to appear as if his views are mainstream? BUT then again - he did win an election, a million people did vote him in and in our democratic state that means he gets to air his views - one rule for all right??

The more I thought about the more troubled I became - after all, even a fascist party is allowed to air their views in this country under our freedom of speech and expression laws but what I couldn't work out was how he wasn't already under arrest for "inciting hatred" under our new laws under which many innocent students and members of our "browner" communities had already been arrested. How is it that people cannot see his bullshit for what it is?

So basically I did not want to see him on TV, I did not feel it was right but I thought maybe it would bring our community together and the Muslims especially would see the danger posed by the BNP and get their collective heads out of the sand and actually wake up and smell the reality.

SO people protested outside the BBC today as the programme was filmed - the majority were NOT Muslim. A huge disappointment. I couldnt make the protest due to the fact that I was heavily asleep under the unfluence of some strong medication for my chest infection - however I got regular updates through friends.
Where were the Muslims?
Seeing as at the moment we are the most vulnerable to attack - the scapegoat best beloved of these fascists and bigots - why did our community not come out in its masses? And I mean totally peaceful protest - to show that we ARE British, we ARE here and we are not leaving.

When will our community wake up?When will our leaders realise that while being a good Muslim and going to the masjid regularly and perfecting our wudu is important so is this stuff?! Showing our wider community that we can engage and we have a united voice and we will not disappear shamefully just because we happen to be Muslim?

Isn't it about time we Muslims stood up for ourselves and did not have to defended by other individuals in the community?

So with all these thoughts I turned on the TV to watch Question Time - the show can be seen on BBC, just follow the link.

I have never seen such a serious looking or tense panel or such an eager looking audience on QT and I have seen this programme A LOT! It was easy to tell that not everyone on the panel was comfortable sharing a platform with Griffin but they felt that they had to in a democracy.

From the beginning it was obvious the Griffin knew he had won a victory just by getting on the show just as it was equally obvious that 99% of the people in that room held him in total contempt. It cheered me to see the sense of the British people.

Within the first 5 mins, Griffin had me shouting at the TV screen as he told the world that the Quran and Islam opresses women and stones rape victims and other claptrap - and what really, REALLY annoyed me is that no one, NO ONE, not even Saida Warsi categorically denied this. Oh, people looked away and shook their heads, Saida Warsi said that he was inventing views that Islam didn't hold but there was no real strength behind the statement. It just shows the level of ignorance about Islam and peoples reticence defending it.

This in itself empowers fascists and Islamaphobes like Griffin - no one will strongly deny him his views on Islam and Muslims. Instead they faff around and call him a racist but no one sits down and tells him where and when he is going wrong; and so, many people now think that while the Quran may say these views - we "modern" Muslims may chose not to follow. As if I would be part of such an idiotic, changeable faith.

When someone, anyone, says something like this - there should be a peaceful yet powerful outcry from the Muslim community and yet here were are, sheep in sheeps clothing. Followers not doers.

As for Jack Straw his first answer was his only clever and concise one, after that I termed him a "fluffer" - cos nothing else he said mattered. He got caught in the claptrap.

Saida Warsi was at least strong in her views, such as they were. There was a lot of sitting on the fence and selling out of immigrant communities. She was safe but at least she appeared to know what she was talking about and came across as strong. One of the highlights of the show was her calling up Griffin on his use of the word "genocide" - no one else did and I applaud her for doing so.
The fact that he can use such a brutal word and get away with it time and time again is disgusting - as if what he imagines happening to the "English" is in anyway a genocide. Compare it to Bosnia, Chechynia, Kosovo, Congo or Rwanda and his use of the world is an insult.

As for Bonnie Greer - the woman is my hero! When I grow up I wanna be just like her! Her use of wit and sarcasm and language put Griffin in his place and she showed her contempt for his veiws with style and politeness in a way not many can. I congratulate her! I particularly loved her reference to the ice age! :-)

What I particularly noticed was how fueled up, angry and emotional everyone got at Griffin and the BNPs anti-semitic and holocaust-denying views - and well the should. Those views are appalling and disgusting. However, the same views when applied to Muslims and Islam did not get the same reaction and that is quite scary. It shows how much in-built Islamaphobia is into our society and we must address this as Muslims. And yet we cannot do so until we unite and until we are secure within ourselves - but do something we must. This state of affairs cannot long continue and sticking our heads in our collective sandbox will only make the issue worse for us in the long run. How long can the Muslims ignore their own situation? How long will they wait for someone else to deal with their problems? NO hero is going to come and rescue us - we must rescue ourselves.

One thing is clear - its because of our inaction and our disunity someone like Griffin is a position of power - an MEP representing us. If we had taken action when the BNP had been garnering votes - the BBC would never had even had the chance to think of inviting him onto QT as there wud have been no need.
Now we have to listen to the BNP bull under our own rules and laws - we have brought this on ourselves.
And still, in a few days, people will forget the horror of seeing a fascist on TV and will get on with their lives.And as we do that, Nick Griffin will legally use OUR tax money as OUR MEP to create more propaganda for his party - the future is scary.

dress

Just saw this dress and i wants it!!! lol

http://fairygothmother.co.uk/ch-26.htm



let me know what u think, if anyone bothers to view it that is!!

thrills and spills

It suprising how much some things in life change and how some things stay consistently the same.

Take my clumsiness - it has managed to stick with me through the tests of time. Clumsiness is an art in itself I think, the art to find the way of constantly hurting yourself, embarassing and humiliating yourself and hurting yourself some more.

It is an art I think I am pretty close to perfecting - not that I get any choice in the matter.

So on Monday I went ice skating with friends - had tons of fun and loved spending time with them. But in my last lap of the ice I fell, quite spectacularly, on my front. I landed very heavily as I was trying to avoid damaging my knee anymore than it is already damaged. It knocked the air out of me and I wudnt say I wasnt in a lot of pain, but it was definately manageable.

Not so the next day - ow! My ribs HURT - to top it off I had a persistent cough left over from a cold and one thing aggravated the other until it was a viscious viscious cycle of pain. My ribs felt so sore constantly and I really really did NOT look forward to coughing - talk about being stabbed with pain!

Anyways, yesterday afternoon after work, I reached my limit. I just could not take the pain anymore - this is quite unusual as I have quite a high pain threshold, alhamdulillah. Anyways I called NHS Direct and the nurse told me I probably have bruised ribs and to get in checked out.
So after work today I went to the Withington Hospital Walk In Centre - where I got seen super fast, which was a nice and totally unexpected suprise!
The nurse told me I did indeed have bruised ribs, may even have cracked one but there was nothing they could do and I'd just have to put up with it for the next 2-3 weeks!
Not something to look forward to!

When you watch movies and read books and the heroes go off into fights and wars and all sorts with wounds and broken ribs - how the hell do they do it?? is it some kind of training?
It must be because my body wud not even consider letting me do anything that strenuous right now - hell its barely letting me breathe properly!!

How do they do it???

nuff said :-)

Holiday

On 23 Sept 2009 I went on holiday to Bosnia with the MYF - Lamsi went with me as did Ahmed. We went in a group led by Abu Sondes - and it was an amazing trip!

You can see the journey (and I can remember it) on: http://bosniablogs.blogspot.com/

eid

Its Eid tomorrow alhamdulillah!!

its been a long ramadan or so i thought it wud be - 17 hour fasts that turned out to be nothing special in terms of hardness subhanallah!

Ramadan came and went all to fast....... seriously waaaaaaaaay too fast.

Eid Mubarak!!

Time pauses for no one

Subhanallah... if you follow the islamic calender then its been 10 years since my mum passed away.

Ten years

I can hardly believe it. Every year when I get to this point I wonder the same thing - where has the time gone?

I wonder if its strange that I don't miss her every second of every day like the movies say u shud miss a person you love?
I wonder what my mother would be like if she was still alive? What our relationship would be like, what would it have developed into in these years... I wonder about so many things in these days.

I wonder if this feeling inside is one of pain or one of missing her or is it something else...?

I feel bad that I dont think of her more, like when I make decisions or am faced with choices. To be brutaly honest, I dont think of her, my mum, much at all. What would be the point?

Does that sound harsh or unfeeling?

I think life is to be lived and those who have passed have had their test; it is we who are living who have things to worry about. MY mother was an amazing person while she lived and will always be my inspiration but what would be the point of constantly questioning why she is dead or why i dont have a mum etc etc?

Enough to say that I have not had a mother since i was 16 years old - I have no idea what it feels like to have a mum anymore. That is not a relationship I am familiar with.

I just hope and pray that I can be as amazing and as loved a person as she was and I pray that I can be as good a Muslim as she was Insha'allah.

May Allah have Mercy on her and forgive her sins, may He save her from the punishment of the hellfire and the punishment of the grave and give her a place in Jannatal Firdous. Ameen.

ramadan reminder

May we all Insha'allah learn and benefit from this ramadan, May Allah shower down His Mercy and Forgiveness on us and may He answer all our duas. Ameen.

This a quite a good reminder to us for the months that are not Ramadan:

The debate about our oppression rages on...

As I read The Guardian online today I came across many articles detailing peoples opinions as to how oppresses, or repressed or misled us Muslim women are. Well.... I figured I should speak up and at least prove to these people that I could!
They obviously thought that the only type of good Islam was one left behind in the dust pile of history.

You can find the article and the comments and debates raging at The Guardian - just click on the link. :-)

Here is an extract of the kind of debate I was and am still having on there with a number of people:

Who knew I'd be so popular?!

@smellthecoffee:

Please try to wake up & smell the coffee.
You said "How can you understand the concept of freedom if you live your life according to a book written so long ago? "
The very fact that I chose to believe regardless of the dozens on people on here nevermind the hundreds out there, that Islam is barbaric should show you I am exercising my freedom.
What else is freedom but being allowed to make the choices I want to?? Just because I make the choice that you do not or will not agree to or even understand does not make my choice wrong.
I believe Islam makes me a better person, a better citizen; I do NOT believe it makes me an oppressed woman - so why do all of you feel the need to tell me what I am and what I am not?

Secondly, I would not follow a religion I thought was wrong or immoral just like I would not follow a person who I thought was wrong or immoral.

"By all means follow your religion how you see fit, but don't close your mind then get angry when people ask why you follow the koran to the letter."

Frankly I am not angry just frustrated at the level of ignorance and media brainwashing out there. People insist on believing we poor Muslims just do not know our own minds.

@Abugaafar:

"Now you appear to concede the point that in inheritance they are not equal, and say there is a good reason for the inequality. "

I do not believe I conceded anything as I do not believe the inequality exists - do not use current "western" ways of judgement as they have a habit of changing quite frequently. As you stated yourself.

@freewoman:

"Your description of the conditions of marriage are disingenuous. In many places in the world they are used to excuse child marriage. 60% of girls in Afghanistan are married before they are 16 ......"

Once again you are confusing Islam with Muslims. Just because someone does something in the name of Islam doesnt mean that is what islam dictates. I could start a war on peanut butter tomorrow - doesnt mean Islam has anything against it. I would just be another weirdo who happens to be a Muslim.

Education, of Islamic and regular types is the key to fighting this kind of blind ignorance. It is totally wrong that women are oppressed and forced into anything but you have to blame the people for that and not the religion.

@Weeeva:

"Do the uneducated women of Afghanistan have the Quran to guide them?
Are they allowed to read and study the Quran?
Of course not. It is hidden from them. They have to believe whatever they are told by their men folk.
These poor woman don't even know the truth about the very book/books, who's rules,give them such a hellish existence."

Once again, confusion between people and a religion. Remember, Islam is a religion and Muslims are people - and people make mistakes, people are influenced by a variety of factors, people can be wrong.
It is totally wrong that the women in that country, and others, do not have access to their Holy Book or education or their human rights but that is the fault of those who are implementing a version of Islam that they want to believe - it is not what Islam tells us.

@epidermoid:

"Are you to used sexually as a man wills and if not why not if such is the demand of God?"

Are you serious?? This comment made me laugh cos its crazy!!

It is not the command of God that I be used in such a way.

"Will you be beaten for disobeying your husband?"

Islam does not condone the beating of the wife.... trust me, if my husband beat me, he'd get beaten right back.

As for the Quranic quote (4:34) that you quoted the actual accurate translation goes like this:

"Men are the protectors of women And maintainers of women...." The sentence goes on to talk about the fact that this is due to the fact that men have more physical strength than women.... all very straight forward.

@arun1:

"Before we accept as something from God , we have to think deeply about it "
- here you assume I have not done so when in fact I think deeply about my faith everyday, I have questioned it again and again and it has stood up to scrutiny.

And the Quran is from Allah& I do not believe you can prove it is flawed. You are mistaken when you say "as it contains glaring scientific mistakes". Why dont you look these up properly and ask someone about context, metaphors and meanings?

As for the Prophet (SAW) and his multiple wives - he was an exception to the rule and he married many of them as a point out to his followers, in a time when some of this did not even occur to men, that marrying women who were divorced, or raped, or married before, or widowed was ok. In fact he has shown to have stated that marrying more than one wife was extremely hard and very taxing. It has much more significance but its late and I'm leaving it at that.

Adios people - till next time!!

Ramadan

Its amazing to think that another year has passed and Ramadan is here again. Its so exciting to think of what can be acheived in this month, although I know many were quite anxious for this month cos this year the fasts are SEVENTEEN, thats 17, hours long!! wow!! but i'v fasted a few already and its not too bad. Altho as usual - the thirst is hard to bear, but then thats the test.

I really hope I can find my conviction and my determination this Ramadan and become a better Muslim and a more decisive person. I have just decided that these are my goals. Insha'allah by the end of the month I will not only have acheived them but figured out a way to do so!! lol

Also I am loving being on medication! :-) sounds incredibly stupid but this is the first time in atleast a couple of years where I have not had a cold or some kind of flu. In fact, I'v been illness free since APRIL!! thats amazing Masha'allah!

So I have been doing my best to thoroughly enjoy life and make the most of everyday, every week - I have made an attempt to explore more of the beautiful country I live in and it is fun! I have explored Chester, Lancaster, Morecambe Bay, Haversham Village, Formby Beach and Forrest, and Derwent Valley. It has all been amazing and spending quality time with my friends, with good company, is indescribable. Sounds dramatic but its true. We have hiked, cycled, walked, cycled some more, played on the beach.... some amazing times.

I hope I can always remain positive and look forward to each day. I want to view the world like a child does - every day, every minute is new and fun, it can be explored and made the most of.

I hope to see many more good days, Insha'allah.

MJ death

Just found out Michael Jackson has died... totally shocked. The guy is a musical legend, a genius. There is no one like MJ, NEVER has been. I have loved his music since i was a child and was actually gonna see him in August in concert - which isnt gona have now.
He's the only person i'd ever go to a concert for.

So for now I will just post a couple of his videos for us to enjoy cos he is totally the best, the King of Pop:




and



Rest in peace MJ and I really hope u'll be remembered for ur amazing and unique music.

zip it!

I just watched a horrific programme on TV about the ever increasing incidents of gang rape in the UK - it was horrible to watch and my dad especially found it very disturbing and kept asking me to turn over. I guess its one thing to know it happens and another to hear these young girls describe their experiences.

One of the worst aspects was that these crimes were committed by young teenagers, some as young as 12 or 13, on girls just as young. To hear the violence and brutality was scary and what made it worse was the planning and the lack of conscience about these crimes that these young boys had, even some of the girls. Some men were so confused about the issue of consent and somehow the lines between rough sex and consent had become blurred. These young boys had no idea how intimidating they could appear to a young girl who may take their rough-housing and harshly playful attitude to mena she didnt have a choice.
Many of the young boys/men didnt care what the young girls thought.
what kind of society do we live in where young men are thinking this way? Thankfully its not a thought that is totally prevalent but it may get there. We should be vigilant and look to our own communities where such crimes are often hushed up and brushed under the carpet. Often the woman is blamed and ostracized!!

This is NOT Islam - as Muslims, as a community, we should do more to help these girls. We should do more to inform people of what is right, we should do more to prevent this kind of gross ignorance.

EU Elecions 09

I CANNOT believe that the BNP got 2 seats in the Eu elections!!!! Its just so umbelievable that ppl wud have fallen for their new tripe- what wud be even worse wud be if people actually voted for them for their racist, fascist policies.

Ugh!

TWO seats! Two seats in which they represent us in the EU. Two seats worth of money and grants from OUR public pocket. Frankly I find it disturbing and sickening that I will be, through my taxes, supporting the propaganda machine of a Nazi party like the BNP.
Ironically their primary message at the moment is anti-Islam - and now, as a British Muslim, I will be PAYING them their salary to do work AGAINST me and my faith. Not to mention I believe that they and their policies are harmful to the Britain as a whole and the world.

How could people vote for them? I know there is deep unsatisfaction with Labour and the main parties but the BNP was your protest vote?? Guess what? Now we're stuck with them for FIVE YEARS!

I cannot express how much of a disaster I think this is. Its as if the Ku Klux Klan was elected in America or the Nazi's made a comeback - which they sort of have through this.

How could people vote for them? Legitimise their views? Its exactly like this that Hitler got in and look where that got us. Surely people can not have forgotten already???

brilliant weekend

I just had one of the best weekends of my life. It was totally chilled out and relaxed - exactly what I needed.
On Saturday I went to Chester Zoo with some of my friends and just did the childhood thing of going round looking at animals, having a good laugh and a great picnic.
On Sunday I met friends for lunch, we sat and ate in the glorious sunshine. We also ate a sumptuious desert, which I should have avoided! I got stopped by a random cyclist and got called "devastatingly beautiful" which was a massive ego boost and totally flattering. And then got whistled at by another!! Totally made my year! lol The rest of the day was spend lounging on our front lawn in the sun, listening to music - just me and my sis. Totally yummy day!

I thought I'd share some of my pics with u:

Squeaky clean Britain - jokes!

I want to once again live in a Britain I can be rightly proud of. It wasn't too long ago when I could hold my head up high and boast of our NHS system, our morals, our ethical government (Much better than most), etc etc.

Boy did I have to wake up, along with much of us starry-eyes British citizens. While we were proudly thinking it was all going well everything we had built our country and our trust on was dust in the wind.

Lets start with those bloody bankers - what a load of bullshit that was and is. It seems to be a topic somewhat forgotten in the current scandal with the MPs but never doubt its still going on. Ridiculous top heavy salaries of outrageous amounts - millions a year. Bonuses for totally mucking up their job. Wouldn't it be nice if we all got millions for being totally crap our jobs?? And then when it all comes out they get millions in severance packages and pensions. WHAT Are you kidding me?!
Oh the frustration and the total stupidity and unfairness of it all! The helplessness cos they know we cant do anything and they also know the bloody useless government arnt going to do anything either. My God, most 5 year olds I know have better values and judgements than this lost. Their blatant greed and immorality has broken this country financially and broken the spirit of the British people. Any money paid to them should be taken back BECAUSE IT BELONG TO US and should be re-invested in the public sector on in the banks.
None of us would be allowed to keep money we hadn't rightfully earned - why should they??

NOW as for the crowning glory of this country that should be our MPs - well what a disappointment. They are supposed to be our leaders, our role models -one or two mesing up is fair enough. There is always a bad apple in the barrel but it scandal is endemic. Its more like a barrel of bad apples with one or two having escaped.
Once again greed seems to be the porblem. Too long has greed been allowed to be seen as a healthy by-product of a good capitalist country. Bull. In this country it has been the failing of us, it has ruined us. NO longer are our MPs looking out for us, oh no - they're too busy looking out for No1; for the £1500 duck house, or their £2000 flat screen TV.

WHY the hell are they being allowed to claim for luxuries anyway?? What kind of stupid rules are these??? OK I guess I could undertsand the need to claim for expenses - but EXPENSES is for stuff you NEED like a basic house, or a pot to cook in, or a car to get to work in NOT your bloody yoghurts and porn. WTF!?!!

I am not just totaly demoralised by the state of affairs but totally disgusted with the so-called leaders of this country. They have not only broken our spirits in these hards times but they have used us, the public, they have made fools out of our hopes and dreams, they been acting in a way no true Brit would ever condone. Far fron being the best of us as the elected, they are the worst. Shame on them..

And if I hear one more MP say "what I did was perfectly legal" or "perfectly within the rules" I swear I shall egg 'em! A total lack of morals has been displayed by those in a position of trust in this country. They all deserve a huge kick up the backside, major paycuts and community service equivelant of all the money they abused.

We have elderly starving and cold in this country, orphans, homeless, a NHS that is crumbling, a bum economy. an badly outifitted army.... so much needs their help but they used our tax money on themselves?? HOW dare they!

How many people died or suffered because some public service didnt have enough money or enough resources to help them becuase some MP wanted to put his drinks on his expenses form???

Oh I am so mad. I wish I could speak to them and tell my mind because they're actions are deplorable and they should be all lined up on TV and pointed out to the kids of this country and ammoral beings and what not to be.

Britain needs a change. I want to once more be proud to be a Brit and be able to shout out that I am from the best, most moral and ethical country in the world!

walking

I had my first physio appointment today - it went far smoother than I expected. I expected lots of pain, well there was pain but far less than expected. Apparantly I have a lot of muscle wastage on my "dodgy" leg (my nickname for it!). So maybe it sounds weird but I really kind of enjoyed working my leg and using it again. Ever since the operation I have been lugging it around like some kind of dead weight and finally I can use - even if it is only partially. And the best news yet, I can putg some weight on it finally and walk on it usuing crutches. I was so elated especially since I made some real progress during the appointment. It felt like suh an achievement and it really boosted my motivation to do my physio and I hope I can keep it up! Altho I guess wearing high heels is some way off!

The high I got from my physio achievements has carried me through the day and I got home and checked my teaching applicaion status only to find rejections but I didnt let that hold me back though it was rather disappointing and scarpered my plans. I took the initiaive and applied elsewhere and if dont get in there then I have another place lined up where I could apply hopefully!

And that disappointing news coupled with my newly found motivation prompted me to look elsewhere for ideas and I finally decided to do what I have been putting off doing for lots of little vague excuses -I applied for teaching positions abroad; Teaching English as a second language. Its something I have always wanted to do, it combines two things I like, teaching and travel. I hope that I will, in a few months, be well and able enough to do this.

So I hope I shall get some replies for this soon. I may even do a TEFL course if I can find the time, convenience and the money.

I have decided to stop thinking so much of what can and cannot happen and just do. I have tried to be sensible and do the right thing, what has been expected or what sems to be........ the thing to do but since thats not working too well I shall just do what I want to and see how that goes. I hope this will lead to better opportunities and a happier and possibly more stable life.

Now lets pray and see what happens!

sahara

I want to travel to a distant land - a land far away. A new land contains many mysteries and curioisities and I want to explore them, meet the people, explore the culture. The less the chances of me actually going, the more I want to go.

Africa - so full of life and beauty. Such a magnificent land- so immense.

The savannah - somewhere where I have always wanted to go. The Saharah - somewhere I have actually been.

When I was a teen I went into an antique shop where a certain painting was for sale and to this day I havnt forgotten this painting. It was of this bedoin man wearing a royal blue turban that was brilliant against his dark tanned skin and covered most of his face, he wore dark robes of flowing clothes and hidden in his arms, somewhere in those folds of robes was a woman peeking out. The background was of golden sand dunes stretching endlessly into the horizon.
A very romantic painting some might say but it spoke to me and I almost bought it. Sometimes I wish I had. It spoke to me as paintings sometimes do.

I wanted to walk into that painting and experience the heat of the sun and the feeling of sand under my feet. I wanted to esape into that painting and absorb it into myself.

Hidden in that painting was a lost sense of adventure-a feeling of escapism in a bottle, of adventures unliked and choiced undecided.

I dont know what that painting made me feel but i'd like to look at it just once more.

trials

I was just reading PostSecret and it reminded me its Mothers Day. I had forgotten. Its funny how you forget things when they are not a part of ur life. Without a mother Mothers Day has no purpose. But now I have been reminded and somehow I feel I should spend some time atleast thinking of her - of my mother.

In a few months it'll be TEN years since she passed away. Ten years. How incredibly fast time passes; the I was only 16 and a confused 16 year old at that! How full of possibilities and opportunities life seemed and how very dramatic!! Life always was and still is dramatic for me - nothing even happens a little bit; its the whole hog or nothing!

I still wonder sometimes how different my life would be, how different I would be if my mum was still alive. Its weird that I dont regret her death - I dont even feel that sad. Some things just are.

As for me right now - once again I am at a cross roads where many decisions need to be made - these will affect my future and they need to be the right choices. And thats where it all becomes unbearably complicated!! what to do, when and how!!???!!! how does one make these choices?!

This is when I wish I had just one person I could tell it all to, just one who would listen with every ounce of being, who would talk me through all my problems and help me find a solution to them. Someone i could brainstorm with and have discussions, debates and arguments with. That would make this all easier! :-)

Meanwhile I am on crutches and in a wheelchair, unable to go very far and not allowed to move very much. The operation on my knee went well and I have 2 very neat little scars on my left knee to prove it!! BUT now I have a fractured knee and am not allowed to walk.

The frustration at my inability to do anything myself is kicking in (or rather has already!) and I am fast running out of things to do - there are only so many movies I want to watch. I'm running out of books and thats truly sad! I miss my books which are still in storage!!

I just wish that the answers to the question of "what should I do in this life?" was clear cut and easy to understand, follow and carry out.