"When Allah decreed the Creation He pledged Himself by writing in His book which is laid down with Him: My Mercy prevails over My Wrath" Hadith (Muslim; al-Bukhari)
So from 22 - 2 Feb 2011 I was a teacher on a school trip to Paris :-) I have never felt the overwhelming urge everyone seemed to feel to visit Paris - maybe because it was the whole romance thing that put me off as I didnt view myself as a romantic person.
The trip was exhausting in a way only a school trip with 15 teenage boys can be.
BUT, I loved it. I love teaching anyway, so this was just another way of doing it. More interestingly, I loved Paris. Although I do feel strongly that I didnt really get to explore it properly or thoroughly cos I was running after the students most of the time and working. Still Paris is pretty, and that prettiness is very attractive. Its full of little interesting buildings plus of course the big tourist attractions. I really want to go back and see the Notre Dame again and have a proper look at the Louvre. I want to explore Paris leisurely and thoroughly. Even though the whole romance aspect kept being brought up while in Paris, how could it not have been, I am still not sure that is what appealed to me. Still, the only way to make sure is to go back ;) I'd like to go back and just sit in a cafe and watch the world go by.... and learn some more about myself. I want to go back when the sun is shining and see that summery Paris. I want to explore more of the cuisine. I would like to meet some more French people and learn their culture for myself. So many of my preconcieved notions were questioned on this trip- I really feel the need to go back and check it out further.
I guess Paris did prove to me love exists, because I have realised that I have a habit of falling in love with every place I go to :) the world is a beautiful place and I want to see all of it.Now that I am back, I find myself having a burning urge to keep moving and exploring.... Insha'allah soon :) soon.
"I believe in my right to freedom, and my country's right to life, and this faith is stronger than any weapon. It is injustice that makes a hero of the oppressed. As for the crimes, they cause the heart of the criminal to tremble no matter how he tries to feign pride. While the cannon may break my sword, falsehoo shall never break the truth" Omar Al-Mukhtar.
Sunday, February 20, 2011
"Allah has not made for any man two hearts inside his body.."(Quran 33:4)
Keep away from people who try to belittle your ambitions. Small people always do that, but the really great make you feel that you, too, can become great.- Mark Twain
"Never, never be afraid to do what's right, especially if the well-being of a person or animal is at stake. Society's punishments are small compared to the wounds we inflict on our soul when we look the other way." — Martin Luther King Jr
The story:
I was at the corner grocery store buying some early potatoes. I noticed a small boy, delicate of bone and feature, ragged but clean, hungrily apprising a basket of freshly picked green peas.
I paid for my potatoes but was also drawn to the display of fresh green peas. I am a pushover for creamed peas and new potatoes.
Pondering the peas, I couldn't help overhearing the conversation between Mr. Miller (the store owner) and the ragged boy next to me.
'Hello Barry, how are you today?'
'H'lo, Mr. Miller. Fine, thank ya. Jus' admirin' them peas. They sure look good.'
'They are good, Barry. How's your Ma?'
'Fine.. Gittin' stronger alla' time.'
'Good. Anything I can help you with?'
'No, Sir. Jus' admirin' th em peas.'
'Would you like to take some home?' asked Mr. Miller.
'No, Sir. Got nuthin' to pay for 'em with.'
'Well, what have you to trade me for some of those peas?'
'All I got's my prize marble here.'
'Is that right? Let me see it' said Miller.
'Here 'tis.. She's a dandy.'
'I can see that. Hmm mmm, only thing is this one is blue and I sort of go for red. Do you have a red one like this at home?' the store owner asked.
'Not zackley but almost.'
'Tell you what. Take this sack of peas home with you and next trip this way let me look at that red marble'. Mr. Miller told the boy.
'Sure will. Thanks Mr. Miller.'
Mrs. Miller, who had been standing nearby, came over to help me.
With a smile she said, 'There are two other boys like him in our community, all three are in very poor circumstances. Jim just loves to bargain with them for peas, apples, tomatoes, or whatever.
When they come back with their red marbles, and they always do, he decides he doesn't like red after all and he sends them home with a bag of produce for a green marble or an orange one, when they come on their next trip to the store.'
I left the store smiling to myself, impressed with this man. A short time later I moved to Colorado , but I never forgot the story of this man, the boys, and their bartering for marbles.
Several years went by, each more rapid than the previous one. Just recently I had occasion to visit some old friends in that Idaho community and while I was there learned that Mr. Miller had died. They were having his visitation that evening and knowing my friends wanted to go, I agreed to accompany them. Upon arrival at the mortuary we fell into line to meet the relatives of the deceased and to offer whatever words of comfort we could.
Ahead of us in line were three young men. One was in an army uniform and the other two wore nice haircuts, dark suits and white shirts...all very professional looking. They approached Mrs. Miller, standing composed and smiling by her husband's casket.
Each of the young men hugged her, kissed her on the cheek, spoke briefly with her and moved on to the casket. Her misty light blue eyes followed them as, one by one, each young man stopped briefly and placed his own warm hand over the cold pale hand in the casket. Each left the mortuary awkwardly, wiping his eyes.
Our turn came to meet Mrs. Miller. I told her who I was and reminded her of the story from those many years ago and what she had told me about her husband's bartering for marbles. With her eyes glistening, she took my hand and led me to the casket.
'Those three young men who just left were the boys I told you about.
They just told me how they appreciated the things Jim 'traded' them. Now, at last, when Jim could not change his mind about color or size....they came to pay their debt.'
'We've never had a great deal of the wealth of this world,' she confided, 'but right now, Jim would consider himself the richest man in Idaho ..'
With loving gentleness she lifted the lifeless fingers of her deceased husband. Resting underneath were three exquisitely shined red marbles.
The Moral : We will not be remembered by our words, but by our kind deeds. Life is not measured by the breaths we take, but by the moments that take our breath.
Today I wish you a day of ordinary miracles ~ A fresh pot of coffee you didn't make yourself... An unexpected phone call from an old friend .... Green stoplights on your way to work... The fastest line at the grocery store... A good sing-along song on the radio... Your keys found right where you left them.
Tuesday, January 18, 2011
"“I would rather be ashes than dust! I would rather that my spark should burn out in a brilliant blaze than it should be stifled by dry-rot. I would rather be a superb meteor, every atom of me in magnificent glow, than a sleepy and permanent planet. The function of man is to live, not to exist. I shall not waste my days trying to prolong them. I shall use my time.” -Jack London
Everyone has photographic memory; some just don't have the film.
“If you leave us, Master,” they pleaded, “how will we know what to do?” And the master replied, “I am nothing but a finger pointing at the moon. Perhaps when I am gone you will see the moon.”
"Be not angry that you cannot make others as you wish them to be, since you cannot make yourself as you wish to be. "
Monday, January 17, 2011
"A democracy is nothing more than mob rule, where fifty-one percent of the people may take away the rights of the other forty-nine.” ~ Thomas Jefferson
Yeh, well I wish someone would teach me how not to torture myself - am having a really tough time right now and cannot seem to get my head in gear at all. This is bad and I know I will regret this whole thing. Its so damn stupid!
I wish, for the first time in a long, looong time, that my mum was here so I could have good mother-daughter talk with her as I need her advice and its the kind of talk a daughter needs her mother for.
What is wrong with me? Why wud I do this to myself? Why want something that is pretty much unobtainable...... stoooooooooooooooopid! I don't want to get hurt or allow myself to be hurt..... doesn't look like I get a choice though.
A couple celebrated their 25th anniversary. They had never fought this entire time. So a man asks the husband what's their secret... Husband: On our honeymoon we went horse-riding. my wife's horse was a bit crazy u see. It began jumping till she fell off. she calmly got up, patted the horse on the neck and said "This is your 1st time",... and mounted. After a while the horse jumped again and she fell... again. she got up again, patted the horse again and said "This is your 2nd time", and mounted again. When the horse jumped and she fell off the 3rd time, she pulled out a revolver and shot the horse dead. Seeing this I shouted, "What are you doing you razy woman??!! You killed the poor animal!!". She turned around, looked at me and said, "This is your 1st time!".... And we lived happily ever after!".
"The press is so powerful in its image-making role, it can make a criminal look like he’s the victim and make the victim look like he’s the criminal. If you aren’t careful, the newspapers will have you hating the people who are being oppressed and loving the people who are doing the oppressing" Malcolm X
So I thought I would write a quick account of todays events - just so I don't forget!
I arrived, finally, in Karachi around 12ish this afternoon; was met at the airport by my nani phupho and my sister. They had apparantly been waiting there since 06.30am!! Poor things!! We commiserated each other on our long waits and experiences.
By the time we got home Lamees said she really wasn't feeling well at all and since I needed sleep too - we both went to sleep. I was woken up an hour later by the sound of her being violently sick in the other bathroom. She kept vomiting and having stomach troubles all afternoon and evening - so much so, that she was unable to keep anything down at all, not even water. She really wasn't coping very well and was very unwell.
A few hours later, my aunt made the decision to take her to the hospital because she was worried about dehydration and her inability to keep anything down. SO off we went. The doc there agreed with my aunt and put my sis on a drip for electrolytes etc and also anti-nausea and for the food poisoning.
While my aunt sat with my sis at the hospital I had to go to my cousin's son's aqeeqah - where it was really nice to see everyone again
I am currently sat in Abu Dhabi airport in the transit lounge waiting for my much delayed flight to Karachi; we are currently told it will fly at 12.30am. It keeps getting delayed and there is much confusion cos of really bad communication. This always happens when I fly!
So right now am running around trying to find out what is going on, where my plane is, when its due, when we fly and all those questions because we have now been told by some random guy that it liues from a different terminal and at 6.30am.
Am totally exhausted and havnt slept for 24 hours and counting....
We have finally started to get some information cos we have practically kidnapped a Airport Staff Member...
More to come as and when...
Ok, so we ended up ganging up on this guy..... more and more people kept joining what me and this girl started.... lots of questions. Respect to the dude, he kept his head but really we still didnt walk away with much, We are still sat here, waiting for a flight we are now told is now flying out at 7.20am!
Am so tired... cant get to sleep, am uncomfortable and.......brb.
OK after much running between terminals and much rudeness by some guy at the transit hotel (I ended up telling him off quite loudly!), we have finally managed to get some "free" space on a sofa till our flight and possibly free breakfast too - should we be awake enough to eat it! And even if we arnt I am stealing some for later! Just cos of Mr B's extreme rudeness and lack of customer service.
Altho I felt extreme joy at telling off some guy publicly who obviously didnt expect a hijabi to tell him off nevermind raise her voice to him. lol joy in the little things admist the pain.
Now I should get a little rest between the running...
☆"A non Muslim guy asked a Muslim: "Why do ur girls cover up their body and hair?"☆
☆The Muslim guy smiled and got two sweets, he opened the first 1 & kept the other 1 closed☆
☆He threw them both to the dusty floor and asked the non-Muslim: " i asked u to take 1 of sweets which 1 u will choose?" ... The non-Muslim replied: "the covered 1"
☆Then the Muslim said: "that's how we treat and see our women"
A man was walking by. He took a few coins from his pocket and dropped them into the hat. He then took the sign, turned it around, and wrote some words. He put the sign back so that everyone who walked by would see the new words.
Soon the hat... began to fill up. A lot more people were giving money to the blind boy. That afternoon the man who had changed the sign came to see how things were. The boy recognized his footsteps and asked, "Were you the one who changed m...y sign this morning? What did you write?"
The man said, "I only wrote the truth. I said what you said but in a different way."
What he had written was: "Today is a beautiful day and I cannot see it."
Do you think the first sign and the second sign were saying the same thing?
Of course both signs told people the boy was blind. But the first sign simply said the boy was blind. The second sign told people they were so lucky that they were not blind. Should we be surprised that the second sign was more effective?
"It is He, Who has created for you (the sense of) hearing (ears), sight (eyes), and hearts (understanding). Little thanks you give." [surah Al-Mu'minun; 78]
"Oh God, when I lose my hopes and plans, help me remember that your love is greater than my disappointments and your plans for my life are better than my dreams."
Brain: "Promise me something, Pinky. Never breed."
Pinky: "Whatcha doin' over there, Brain?" Brain: "Contemplating your afterlife, Pinky."
Brain: "Pinky, I am in considerable pain." Pinky: "Narf! Zort! Poit! Gat! I'm with you, Brain!"
Pinky: "Wot now, Brain?" Brain: "We should flee in terror. Yes, that would be the wisest course!"
Brain: "Now, Pinky, if by any chance you are captured during this mission, remember you are Gunther Heindriksen from Appenzell. You moved to Grindelwald to drive the cog train to Murren. Can you repeat that?" Pinky: "Mmmm, no, Brain, don't think I can."
Brain: "I am not devoid of humour."
Pinky: "Gee, Brain, what do you want to do tonight?" Brain: "The same thing we do every night, Pinky. Try to take over the world!"
Brain: "I'm a laboratory mouse in the first stages of an elaborate plan to take over the world."
Brain: "Are you pondering what I'm pondering?" Pinky: "Yeah, I think so, Brain, but I can't memorise the whole opera in yiddish." Brain: "Pinky, you are a threat to tolerance."
Brain : "I shall pollute the water supply with this DNAdefibuliser, turning everyone into mindless slaves." Pinky : "What about the people who drink bottled water?" Brain : "Pinky, people who pay 5 dollars for a bottle of water are already mindless slaves."
Brain : "Accepting my own errors, the team needs balance. Balance, yes. Therefore, to successfully take over the world, a sacrifice must be made. One of us must be an imbecile."
"This particular scheme has a physicality to it that I dislike immensely." - The Brain, crashing down to earth
"Utilizing satellite technology and these [2 clamps], we will redirect all global telephone communication into an endless voice mail system. And once a person is on the line, the array and amount of choices will render them occupied, busy, and unable to defend the earth for a full 72 hours - more than enough time for a well-prepared mouse to seize control of the planet."
I thought a government voted (or even semi-voted) in by the people of a country represented the people of that country - if so, who does the British government represent?? Certainly not me, and not anyone else I have recently talked to either.
There used to be a time when the government would make up for the days, months & years of lying with feats of such genius that you could almost forgive them for the rest - generosity, honestly, justice.... old traditions such as these. Unfortunately, we seem to have lost them somewhere.
The ConDems, as they are termed, have caused pain almost from the start - and their cancer continues to spread. You know its going to be bad when you're government is known round the world, even by other leaders, as the "ConDems" - not a good sign.
Lets start from just this week - WikiLeaks. Just when the world needed some truth and honesty, or we might have imploded, there was Julian Assange. The man brought a little bit of honesty into out lives and it saved our sanity as a race. He may have his own agenda, indeed everyone does, but atleast he gave us the truth. The TRUTH - I wonder if our politicians would even recognise the word. Probably not. Truth.
It is dispicable the acts that our supposed leaders have committed in our name and then to rub salt into the wound they lied to us about them. They lied, cheated, tortured, committed acts of war and genocide, aided terrorists, killed our own, committed acts of heinous injustice.... the list seems endless and mindnumbingly painful.
A hadith (a Muslim saying) states: A time will come when your leaders will be the worst among you.
Well, evidently the time is here. Look at our slick, plasticy, air-brushed monstrous leaders - I wonder... when exactly did they lose their humanity and essentially (metaphorically) sell their souls to the devil?
And then, issuing threats to the man who brough us a little bit of honesty and integrity - calling him the terrorist when we have been terrorised for years by our own leaders?!!!! Why am I still surprised? After everything - I expected the leaders of the democratic countries of the world to still behave with some honour.... my mistake. Instead the scrambled around like idiots and power-hungry maniacs - trying to silence a dissident. Just like those dictators and even brown people they warn us about all the time.
Then there is the constant flow of subtle (sometimes not to subtle) Islamophobic, racist agendas. Do they think we are too stupid to notice? Is it really clever, from a political, point of view to isolate the 5th largest religion in the world - the fastest growing religion in the world? I wudnt think so. Considering they seem to think us all terrorists of equal magnitude, you would think they would do less to piss us off - bearing in mind our inability for clear and rational thought and our tendency to blow stuff up. (Yes people, thats sarcasm - welcome to Britain)
Oh and this is Britain, not America. I'd really like the politicians AND the americans to remember that - back off!!
Oh and you would think that the government (I am just gonna call them "G" from now on to save on the typing!) had never seen snow before. Each and every year it snows and EACH and EVERY year its like they have never seen "the mysterious white stuff falling from the sky". If you can't deal with something that simple, maybe you should be in office you incompetent baffoon.
As for tuition fees - what a load of rubbish. Making students hugely in debt just to get educated and further themselves? What kind of lunacy is this? Next you'll be telling me the moon is made of cheese - and for the next generation of students, it may be cos they will be unable to get educated enough to find out for themselves!
Education is everyones right - that is one of the principles of this country. Too, too much has been compromised already to compromise this too. This is wrong. Everyone out there thinks its wrong - so why does the vote of 300 men count so much more than the 30,000+ who were on the streets against it? Not to mentions the millions who couldnt make it to the march?
If the will of the people is going to be ignored at every turn, which it is nowadays, then we are nothing better than a non-democratic fascist country with a voting system in place.
Benjamin Franklin said: "Those who would give up essential liberty to purchase a little temporary safety deserve neither liberty nor safety."
Having this rant is not about complaining (though thats a nice part of it all), it is about motivating myself to get up and keep doing something about it all. I lose the right to complain if I do nothing to bring about CHANGE.
Wednesday, December 08, 2010
"The believing woman is never down for long. She is like a willow under a strong wind. She will bend to breaking point but will stay whole. She may get bruised from life, but she'll never give up because she knows her Lord does not give her more than what she can bear. She knows her worth and even if she is walked upon or laughed at - no one can take away her dig nity as her refuge is in Allah."
'I hear your enthusiasm. But a fly's got enthusiasm and it doesn't stop it from head-butting the window!' - Lord Sugar
Nowadays weekends are precious little stretches of time in which I can try to catch up on sleep and for atleast one day, not work and not feel guilty about not working (still trying to work on that!).
I think I literally collapsed on the sofa on Friday night when I got back home - by 9.30 I think I was totally dead to the world and unaware I had fallen aleep watching Alien vs Predator. I do so enjoy that movie - I know its rubbish but its just so entertaining!
I just feel so incredibly lazy all weekend - iuts very hard to do any work as all I wanna do is sleep, sleep and more sleep. For example, I could quite happily just doze off right now!
The PGCE is going well Alhamdulillah - I think I'm doing well. I really am enjoying teaching (though could do with a bit less paperwork - but then, couldnt we all?!). I love working with the kids and I tend to become quite attached to them. I think everyone in my department finds it quite funny - but I dont know how to stop. I feel personally invested in them and want them to do their very very best - they are so amazing and they just dont know it!
From Monday my Consolidation Placement starts - which means.... FULL TIME teaching!! This should be interesting - I am already feeling somewhat apprehensive about the amount of paperwork I can see coming my way! I can just see it getting ready to drown me
I just hope and pray that God gives me the strength and will to get through this and come out the other side an amazing teacher Insha'allah.
I found this picture while browsing an online newspaper and it just seems to have totally captured me. I find it amazing. I just find it.... so incredibly powerful. It wudnt be half as powerful if it wasnt in black and white:
Sunday, November 21, 2010
"The fish trap exists because of the fish. Once you've gotten the fish you can forget the trap. The rabbit snare exists because of the rabbit. Once you've gotten the rabbit, you can forget the snare. Words exist because of meaning. Once you've gotten the meaning, you can forget the words. Where can I find a man w...ho has forgotten words so I can talk with him?" ~Chuang Tzu
So I am now couple months into the PGCE and though it is looong hard hours and tons of paperwork - I am loving it. I just can't wait to be a teacher and TEACH! Without all this other stuff getting in my way! :)
Insha'allah I am getting closer and closer to my goal - may Allah help me succeed.
Also
I feel like even here, even now, I have to watch my back. Anyone, absolutely anyone, can (and will) backstab you. Even in the professional arena.... I try to make excuses for people but sometimes its just damn hard, u know?!
People are just generally untrustworthy.
And what really annoys me is that they cannot even find the time to apologise - not even a fake one!
People just have no manners. Thats whats wrong with this world.
Its weird and wonderful - I have now spent some time with my classes at my Initial placement and I have to say, I am Loving it. (SO far so good!) I just hope and pray it keeps going as well Insha'allah and that I do well in every aspect.
At this stage I feel fairly hopeful that I will do well and be a good teacher -I feel full of ideas and seem to be connecting well with the kids and they are actually listening to me and obeying me, which is fab! :-)
Gotta start lesson planning and actually take charge and teach now - feel a bit nervous but more excited than anything. Wanna plan the best lessons for these kids so that they feel excited coming to my lessons - and so they leave having learnt not only what they need but feeling like they have achieved something worthwhile.
I hope to God I succeed. (soooooooooooooooo excited!)
It has been my Primay Placement week in the PGCE and I was based in a school in an area of social deprevation and challenge. It was an interesting week and a somewhat educational one. It makes me so sad and angry to see the situation these children are in, inescapable viscious circles of their lives. Its not just the poverty, its almost as if thats the least of their problems, its their parents, the ignorance, the culture and the society and the stigma of that society will stick to them forever. Only a few will escape..... it makes me so so sad. Its heartbreaking really. These kids are no stupider, no less able, no less worthy than others, yet they will never have an equal chance just because of their circumstances.
“Our deepest fear is not that we are inadequate. Our deepest fear is that we are powerful beyond measure. It is our light, not our darkness that most frightens us. We ask ourselves, Who am I to be brilliant, gorgeous, talented, fabulous? Actually, who are you not to be? You are a child of God. Your playing small does not serve the world. There is nothing enlightened about shrinking so that other people won't feel insecure around you. We are all meant to shine, as children do. We were born to make manifest the glory of God that is within us. It's not just in some of us; it's in everyone. And as we let our own light shine, we unconsciously give other people permission to do the same. As we are liberated from our own fear, our presence automatically liberates others.” Nelson Mandela
I also have a lot to think about in my personal life right now - I cant seem to avoid being upset again and again and again. I just dont know how to deal with it. I dont know how to resolve the inescapable issues that plague my life again and again. I am so sick of it. I dont know whether I want to harden my heart to these hurts or have my heart be softer and allow my heart to touch Allah more.
I wish I had a better personality and that I was a better person - I wish I was a better Muslim. I try. I do try. Insha'allah, that day will come....
Its Week2 at uni and I'm being bombarded with information and literature to read and unfortunately I dont have the internet to help me at home - I feel so disconnected without the net and so incapable of being as organised or doing my work. I need my NET!!
We were told this quote today in a lecture and I found it very useful:
“Our deepest fear is not that we are inadequate. Our deepest fear is that we are powerful beyond measure. It is our light, not our darkness that most frightens us. We ask ourselves, Who am I to be brilliant, gorgeous, talented, fabulous? Actually, who are you not to be? You are a child of God. Your playing small does not serve the world. There is nothing enlightened about shrinking so that other people won't feel insecure around you. We are all meant to shine, as children do. We were born to make manifest the glory of God that is within us. It's not just in some of us; it's in everyone. And as we let our own light shine, we unconsciously give other people permission to do the same. As we are liberated from our own fear, our presence automatically liberates others.” Nelson Mandela
Meanwhile, I'm gonna think on this and get back to the blog..... making serious prayers and duas that I get the internet at my place VERY soon!!
Am hoping for certain hopes and dreams of mine to come true
"Hope is the thing with feathers That perches in the soul, And sings the tune without the words, And never stops at all,
And sweetest in the gale is heard; And sore must be the storm That could abash the little bird That kept so many warm."
Emily Dickenson
other quotes I've come across on different themes but they too have meaning to me:
"And so it was I entered the broken world To trace the visionary company of love, its voice An instant in the wind (I know not whiter burled) But not for long to hold each desperate choice."
Tennesse Williams
More Tennesse Williams:
"What on earth can you do on this earth but catch at whatever comes near you, with both your fingers, until your fingers are broken?"
"We're all of us sentenced to solitary confinements in our own lonely skins for life. "
Since my last post I have moved yet again - thats twice in the space of a couple of days!! Impressive! lol
That room was just too small and totally inappropriate for my needs - I have studying to do and I cudnt even fit myself AND My files in there properly.
But Alhadulillah, I have moved into a much bigger room and its closer to uni which is grand! Alhamdulillah - proof of the power of dua as this opportunity practically just fell into my lap!!
The course is going well though its a bit of an information overload at the moment and I am unable to do the reading up I want to bcos the new place does not have internet right now but am working HARD to get that sorted!
Cannot survive without internet - just cant. Its official!
Today I moved back to Stoke because university starts tomorrow - I was really not looking forward to moving although I did look forward to the teaching & the course. I knew I would miss Manchester and my house madly -and I do, even though I have been here only a few hours on my own it feels like AGEEEEEEEEEEEES!
I miss my house and my room and the comfort of knowing my city
Plus the room I am in right now just isnt acceptable as my student room; it is far far too small and it has no desk. How am I supposed to work?? Plus another housemate, who moved in first, has taken over all the cupboards in the kitchen!!
But, alhamdulliah I am here. The course starts tomorrow. And I have INTERNET!! Yay!
Wshat did people do before the internet? How would I have coped in this tiny little room, in a strange city without being able to connect online and watch stuff and entertain myself??? It boggles my mind - I would have gone crazy!
So tomorrow I have to go buy cutlery & plates etc... and a pan - so i can cook and so I have something to eat in!
I probably wont sleep well cos its another strange bed.....
Insha'allah, its the start of something new and I am really looking forward to this experience and learning how to be a teacher. I cant wait to teach and get a job and earn a steady wage :) its so exciting. Insha'allah, soon I will have stability in my life. :)
I pray that it all goes well, I pass the course with ease, that I suffer little hardship, that I keep in good health and that i make a good life for myself. Ameen.
"The ladder of success is best climbed by stepping on the rungs of opportunity. " Ayn Rand
This made me think.... and i'll add more once i've actually had some sleep (its been about a day or two since i have slept!):
“Light thinks it travels faster than anything but it is wrong. No matter how fast light travels, it finds the darkness has always got there first, and is waiting for it.” Terry Pratchett
"Things are not always what they seem; the first appearance deceives many; the intelligence of a few perceives what has been carefully hidden. " Phaedrus
I've always wondered how I appear to others on first meeting them....
Another quote I liked - kinda reminds me of how I sometimes feel and also how much I like to travel :)
“Beyond the East the sunrise, beyond the West the sea, And the East and West the wander-thirst that will not let me be.” Gerald Gould
I have just got back home and am still on a high from a night of spiritual replenishment and love. I spent the night at the MYF masjid reading Quran and tahajjud prayers and it has replenished and rejuvinated me in a lot of ways alhamdulillah.
It was just what I needed and all I had to do was go to the masjid and put my forehead to the ground and ask.
Subhanallah, there is nothing like putting your forehead to the ground and prostrating to your Creator, the creator of everything - totally submitting yourself to Him. There is a peace and contentment to be found in such humbleness; in handing over all your worries and problems over to your Lord and supplicating to Him.
I found tears in my eyes a number of times this past night as I thought of what an ungrateful and disobedient slave I was - it rarely occurs to us in our day to day lives that every second of our day, and every cell of our being and every atom of this vast universe belongs only to Allah, our God. Our selfish and wordly worries are nothing - everything is His and our return is to Him alone.
Allah has told us our purpose in this world is to worship Him - and He has shown us many many ways to do so. So many that our every moment could be, should be, in worship to Him, as is His right.
"A boat is safe in the harbour. But this is not the purpose of a boat" Paulo Coelho
The wait seems interminable sometimes - a neverending line of seconds and minutes without meaning.
I lose myself in the time and sometimes become aware of it later having had no idea where the time went or how I spent it. Its a sad thing because each second should be precious - it will never be back again, I'll never be able to live it again or make use of it. I have wasted a second in which I could have done good or worshipped or done something useful - instead I have done.... nothing.
I live my life and I look out through my eyes and I dont think anyone can tell what happens inside here. My insides feel so hollow and empty and I feel I am becoming more and more detached from my life and everyone in it.
This cannot be good, can it?
I'm probably being incredibly pathetic - I always admired strong individuals, who took their own life and their own fate into their hands and carried on with strength and positivity no matter what. Yet I cannot seem to get over this one hurdle.
I have to be true to myself about what I am feeling but maybe I am too much mired in it all to know what to do about it.
I feel like something is hanging onto my ankles and dragging me below into deep, heavy, murky water and I dont think I remember how to swim.
I sat with family today and I laughed and joked and acted normal but inside me something, in some corner, just felt hollow.
I want it to go away.
If nothing good of me remains then I want to keep atleast one good aspect - Insha'allah I will hang onto this with all my might.
"In a time of universal deceit, telling the truth becomes a revolutionary act." George Orwell
I am using these last days of Ramadan doing a lot of thinking - meditation of sorts.
Sometimes, alot of the time, I avoid sleep. I feel it coming, almost like its stalking me but I resist. I don't want to sleep - it implies a loss of control, a vulnerability I feel that I cannot handle.
Little things around me, on TV, somewhere, somehow, they remind me of memories and fragments I wish were long forgotten. I feel like I am haunted - I feel like I cannot escape.
The night is darkening round me, The wild winds coldly blow; But a tyrant spell has bound me, And I cannot, cannot go. The giant trees are bending Their bare boughs weighed with snow; The storm is fast descending, And yet I cannot go. Clouds beyond clouds above me, Wastes beyond wastes below; But nothing drear can move me: I will not, cannot go. (Emily Bronte)
At times this poem feels like it encompasses what I feel - a feeling of being trapped, of suffocating with feelings. Suffocating in my life and the choices I have made.
I feel resigned to it all right now. I dont know how to turn myself and my life around - I dont know if I have the strength and the perseverance it would take.
The seconds and minutes pass by - my life bleeds through my hands and I cannot catch moments of it. Time lost, never to be regained.
Time heals, they say. Thats bull I think.... time just allows for scabs and scars to form. And sometimes they open up. Sometimes, never truly form.
I want my life to have meaning. For my life to have meaning, it has to have meaning to me. It has to have a purpose that is meaningful to me. It needs to be anchored.
My thoughts drift as I cannot sleep - the dark is there, waiting. If I fall into it, maybe I'll remember more. I don't want to.
I know I am strong.... I should be stronger than this. Strong. Strong. Stronger.
I feel I will break soon.
"Out of suffering have emerged the strongest souls; the most massive characters are seared with scars" Khalil Gibran
The last 10 days of Ramadan are here and I feel like I am trying to reach out to some vast great truth inside me that seems just beyond my reach.
The last 10 days are the most blessed days of a most blessed month and I really hope I am able to make the most of them and gain as much reward and Mercy as possible from Allah.
Ramadan hasn't been as good for me as I hoped as I have missed a big chunk of it due to a throat infection - yep, another infection. I am hoping that,Insha'allah, my health will be much better after this Ramadan because of all the duas I have been making!
"Allahumma Innaka Afuwwun Thuhibbul Afuwa Fa'Fu Anni." This dua is especially relevent in the last ten days of ramadan. "O Allah! You are the eraser of sins and You love forgiveness. So please forgive my sins."
I think the last 10 days should be a particularly meditative and soul searching time for everyone. I am trying especially hard to think about my goals and what I want as well as what personal improvements I need to make in myself. I am trying to be as practical and realistic as possible in this respect - I don't want to be overly strict with myself and get carried away, rather I want realistic and atainable goals that I can adher to and achieve in the coming year and, Insha'allah, forever. Meanwhile, I know Allah is hearing my prayers and I hope He answers them all Insha'allah.
While talking to himself Ibn Al-Jawzi was blaming his soul in a gentle way. He said:
I found myself in trouble, and so I made Du’aa consistently, all the while requesting relief and comfort. The response to my Du’aa seemed to be delayed, and so my soul became disturbed and worried. However, I rebuked it saying, “Woe unto you; look attentively at yourself, are you the one possessed or are you the possessor? Are you the one that is controlled or are you the controller? Are you not aware that this world is the abode of tests for you? If you desire that your goals be fulfilled and become impatient when they are not, then, where is your test? Is it not the ultimate test when you get the opposite of whatever you desired?
So, (dear restless soul) try to understand the meaning of the word ‘Abd, and whatever is dear to you will become worthless, and whatever is difficult will become easy.” After it deliberated over what I said, it became a little appeased. I informed it that I had a second argument for it, and so I said, “Allah (azza wajal) is a necessary requirement in order for any of your aims to be fulfilled; yet you do not exhort yourself to work for His (azza wajal) pleasure. This is ignorance, as the matter should have been opposite to what you desire, primarily because you are the one possessed. (You should note) that the mindful ‘Abd should make sure that he fulfills the rights due to the Master, and that it is not necessary that He (azza wajal) gives to Al-’Abd whatever he desires or loves.”
It made it quieter yet I then mentioned that I had a third argument for it, and so I said, “You are under the impression that the response to your Du’aa has been slow; yet you were responsible for this because you closed the door of response (to your Du’aa) because of your constant sinning. If, however, you open the door [by developing Taqwa for Allah (azza wajal)], then the response (to your Du’aa) would arrive quicker, because having Taqwa for Allah (azza wajal) is the cause of all comfort.” Allah (azza wajal) said:"…And whoever fears Allah and keeps his duty to Him (Taqwa), He will make a way for him, to get out (from every difficulty), and will provide for him from sources that he never could imagine"[At-Talaaq:2-3]
Therefore, understand that if you do not develop this Taqwa for Him (subhana wa ta’ala), the result will be different from what you expect. Woe is me from the drunkenness of mindlessness which became stronger than any other drunkenness in confronting the soul’s aims to prevent them ftom reaching its hopes. It (the soul) knew that this was the truth, and so it became more tranquil still. I said to it, “I have a fourth argument for you, and it is that you seek a particular answer (to your Du’aa); yet you are not aware of the consequences that would result (if you were granted what you desire) because what you seek might be to your detriment. In this state you are like a feverish child asking for candy.
“(0 soul) be conscious that your Master is more aware about your well-being than you are.” As He (azza wajal) said:"… And maybe you will dislike something that is good for You" [Al- Baqarah:216]
When this became clear to the soul, it became more tranquil still. I then said to it, "I have a fifth argument for you, and it is that your demands would lessen your rewards and would reduce your status (with Allah). However, if you would request that which is good for your eternal abode (Al-Aakhirah), it would be better for you. (O soul) it is crucial that you understand what I have explained."It said, "I meandered in the garden of your explanation, and as such I wandered when I understood."
Sunday, August 29, 2010
A man was polishing his new car, his 4 year old son picked up a stone and scratched on the side of the car. In anger the furious man took the childs hand and hit it many times, not realising he was using a wrench. At the hospital the child lost all his fingers due to multiple fractures. When the child saw his father wi...th painful eyes, he asked, 'Dad when will my fingers grow back?' The man was so hurt and speechless. He went back to the car and kicked it many times, devastated by his own actions. Sitting in front of the car he looked at the scratches; his son had written 'I LOVE YOU DAD'. Next day that man committed suicide. Anger and Love have no limits. Always remember, 'Things are to be used and people are to be loved' But the problem in todays world is 'People are being USED and things are being LOVED'
Friday, August 13, 2010
"Nothing is certain nothing at all except for the unimportance of everything that I understand and the greatness of something incomprehensible but all important"
Sometimes the thoughts and the memories crowd in behind my eyes and they mix with some kind of bone-deep restlessness and I just cant sleep.
I dont know why this happens but while it does, it feels unbearable and time seems to slow down. The night stretches endlessly forward; black and dark.
I want the thoughtlessness, the unconsciousness, of sleep.
But everytime I close my eyes I just feel restless; sometimes I see things, memories or flashbacks and that inescapable restlessness.
"Thousands of men executed and buried in mass graves,hundreds of men buried alive,men and women mutilated and slaughtered,children killed before their mothers' eyes,a grandfather forced to eat the liver of his own grandson.These are truly scenes from hell,written on the darkest pages of human history." NEVER FORGET SREBRENICA 11.07.1995!!!
“Shaytan rejoiced when Adam (peace be upon him) came out of Paradise, but he did not know that when a diver sinks into the sea, he collects pearls and then rises again.” ~ Ibn al-Qayyim
and
"When Allah decreed the Creation He pledged Himself by writing inHis book which is laid down with him: My Mercy prevails over My Wrath"Hadith (Muslim; al-Bukhari)
and
“This [dunya] world is like a shadow, run after it and you will never be ableto catch it, turn your back against it and it has no choice but tofollow you.” Ibn al-Qayyim
Friday, July 02, 2010
a beautiful quote:
Mothers can be shields for their sons – even if the fathers are Pharoah.
A Beautiful Love Story -Musa and Safurah
Wednesday, June 30, 2010
have started yet another course of antibiotics for this ear/throat infection - Insha'allah this lot will work :-)
I could stare into the nothingness forever - but I'm not going to let myself. Or I am going to try.
The feelings are hard to describe, the silence in my ears is loud. It makes it hard to think. I feel ill. I feel so tired that I am slurring my words but I have sleep most of the last 24 hours. Typing these words is tiring my arms. My body aches. The world spins. Silence echos. Beneath it all is stress - I shud be working, revising for exams that mean so much to me and my future. If I fail all my hard work, all my hopes, will be nothing.
Nothingness.
It feels like all that is left.
Allahumma 'aafini fi badani, Allahumma 'aafini fi sam'i, Allahumma 'aafini bi basri
(Oh Allah, Grant Health to my body, Oh Allah, Grant health to my hearing, Oh Allah, Grant health to my sight)
I keep repeating the dua - pray to Allah to help me through this. I do not have the strength. Oh Lord, give me strength.
I am so annoyed is beyond anger. I just need to offload.
I put myself out there and am nice and do the right things people just take fucking advantage. I am so sick of it.
I am so so incredibly mad right now. I have had enough. Why bother making all the fucking effort if people will just continually throw it in your face?? what is the fucking point??
I make the effort, I make the trek and what do people do for you in return? Fuck all when it counts.
Well, I'm insane. But beyond that lurk other problems :-) My life is one big, rolling drama.
Few weeks back, like most people in the class at uni, I got a virus. It gave me a cold, and sore throat that stayed around for quite some time. Pretty normal, so far.
The throat stayed sore....
sore....
.... still sore....
... 2 more weeks....
....sore...
.... finally something different happens. the throat was still sore but now I was very dizzy too - so dizzy I had to be sent home from uni on strict order by a certain Mrs N (who shall remain nameless! lol). Thankfully that kinda showed to me how unwell I was getting and I went to the dr. Who gave me some antibiotics for an ear and throat infection... ....antibiotics finished and the infection was still there.... so i got prescribed some new antibiotics... great.
anyway, like a good girl I took my antibiotics on time and regularly (i'm good like that - lots of practice!) But then my symptoms got worse not better... my ear hurt more, I got a headache that just wudnt quit, I started getting a numb face (wierd!), joint and muscle pains/aches, funny tastes, lots of dizziness, nightmares, difficulty sleeping and then it got even worse!
I started getting confused and then panicky, then my sense of reality just got weird (I mean weirder than normal!) but what broke this camel's back was when one night I looked in the mirror and what looked back just wasnt me- i do not mean that in a metaphorical sense. Oh MY GOD - freaky!
Anyway, I talked to dad, confirmed this was all very abnormal... called the doctors who called me in the same day (today) and gave me another antibiotic confirming I was allergic to the one I had been taking.
The pen is mightier than the sword; words have power; Death and life are in the power of the tongue.... and other cliches &proverbs but basically what I'm trying to say is our words have power, our saying them has power & if we all say the same thing it is the more powerful for all of us having said it. So go & add ur voices to the protests, the letters of complaints & anything else constructive u can think of. The Israeli lies will continue - I have a feeling they dont even realise the sky is blue anymore. So caught up in their perpetual lying and murdering, they dont even see reality anymore. Human life has lost all meaning. Might makes right as far as Israel is concerned -and the british and american governments keep trying to make it mightier.
What israel has done defies humanity - its sick, disgusting and evil. The atrocities done to Palestine and its people are so heinous, words cannot describe. Lets just say Hitler would be proud, these people learnt well.
Jews around the world condemn Israel's actions and state it has nothing to do with Judiasm - and the fact that Israel keeps throwing up the whole holocaust victim mentality just cheapens that whole thing.
I cannot express the anger I feel at the Israeli actions and my frustration with my own governments weakness and lack of action - but I know God is Just and these people will eventually pay for what they have done.
another israeli massacre of innocents.... yet the world still moves at the pace of a snail for hopes someone else will take the first step. Why is there not more condemnation of such atrocities? Why must the killing continue, be endless and just as meaningless at the start as it is when it finishes before the cycle begins again?
Words defy me when it comes to decribing the horror of the Israeli action against a peaceful human rights flotilla... disgusting, inflammatory, murderous, illegal, bloodthirsty, immoral, evil....
wake up world - see the horror that is perpetrated day in and day out on our doorsteps as we live our lives while others die for no reason.
The evil the human race is capable of constantly astounds me - just look at Israel. What they do is worse than what was done to them in WW2. Its sick.
Sometimes the cruelty of mankind to each other just breaks my heart; since 1950s well over 9,916,000 people have died in genocides round the world. That is NOT counting those who died indirectly from malnutrition, starvation or rape etc. From Israel, to Syria, to Rwanda, Chechnya, Bosnia, Congo.... the list is endless.
When will people learn??
So much killing and violence.... yet we keep perpetuating more hate and more war for seemingless endless and meaningless reasons.
Its hard to imagine what Britain will be like now that the Tory's are in power - how much will change, if anything?
I really didnt want the Torys to get power but now they are, and part of a coalition goverment, we shall have to wait and see what happens. A coalition was expected but a Conservatiove-Lib Dem one was not. I wonder what will happen to the policies... which ones will be applied?
A tory Britain feels like a scary concept to contemplate. Meanwhile, on a smaller, more personal scale, I am still stuck in a little room at my student digs attempting to keep my head above water. The chemistry seems easy enough at the moment and I hope it stays that way because I have physics to deal with.
Physics. ugh. Need I say more?? I just pray I get it before its too late!
I've just got back to "SOT" from Mcr after a mad scramble after uni lectures to go vote. Typically, my registration forms had been messed up and they didnt sort out my postal vote either - so I had to treck it to vote. At least I've had my say now.
I would really truly HATE to wake up in a Tory Britain- its a scary prospect! One i'd rather not see!
Anyway, as I have no TV it will be some time before i know who won..... nail biting!
BUT good news - I passed all my exams THANK GOD!! I am so happy! NO worrying anymore how I did or if I had some silly resits. Am soooooooooooooo grateful!
So from 22 - 2 Feb 2011 I was a teacher on a school trip to Paris :-)
Now that I am back, I find myself having a burning urge to keep moving and exploring.... Insha'allah soon :) soon.
